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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Barney Stinson’s Legendary Guide to being Awesome

You can learn a lot from television. Things like how to create the perfect crime scene (watch out for those loose hairs. They’ll get you every damn time.) or how to successfully make a souffle. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to be awesome. It’s fairly simple: 1. Get rid of the goatee. It doesn’t go with your suit. 2. Get a suit. 3. Don’t even think about getting married until you’re 30. 4. Don’t wait for the signal. Just kiss her or him. 5. Grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it. 6. If you get caught accidentally grinding with your cousin at a very loud club, italics: that night did not happen. 8. Every Halloween, bring a spare costume in case you strike out with the hottest girl or guy at the party. That way, you have a second chance to make a first impression. 9. If a first date goes badly, it’s okay to use the lemon law. (It’s gonna be a thing.) 10. Remember that helping people less fortunate than you is the greatest pleasure in the world. That, and getting your toes sucked. 11. If your brain screws you up, power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation-style. Five shots should do the trick. 12. Always have a back-up Get Psyched Mix in case Not!Moby steals the original. 13. To avoid embarrassing moments with your stand-in bro, remember that Battelship is not an internationally recognized term for sex. 14. Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! 15. When crashing a high school prom, Go Ho or Go Home. 16. Your job is an important part of your image. Example: chicks think that architects are hot because architects create something out of nothing. They’re like God. There is no one hotter than God. 17. The four most important words at a wedding: It’s for the bride. 18. Create a list of attainable goals and cross off your accomplishments. Example: “Of my list all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which/on which it is possible to have sex, I have had sex in/on 31 out of 33.” 19. Learn how to seduce properly: First, buy her or him a drink. Then pretend to be interested in whatever (s)he cares about. Be all sympathetic and before you know it, (s)he’s naked in your apartment shouting (your name here). 20. Allow people to slap your face, but do not allow them to slap your mind. 21. Invest at the gym. You’ll see aggressive growth in your future 22. Don’t poop where you eat. 23. It’s okay to be the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women he’s slept with but it’s not okay to sleep with a woman and not even remember her. 24. Comfort your friends in their hour of need. If that involves really hot kissing, so be it. 25. And finally, when you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead. 1) “Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians“ 2) Barney: “Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.” Ted: “I'm not wearing a suit.” Barney: “Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.” 3) “Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.” 4) Barney: “Solid plan, my little friend.” Ted: “We're the same height” 5) “Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?” 6) “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She'll never find her way back.” 7) “Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool.” 8) “Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno” 9) “We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up” 10) “Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.” 11) “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants” 12) “No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing” 13) “What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper” 14) “You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!” 15) “The question is: Do these strategies ever NOT work for me? Either way the answer is about half the time” 16) “One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my blog?” 17) “You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat” 18) “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.” (check out Barney Stinson’s Halloween Customs!) 19) “Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!” 20) “Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.” [Ted dressed as a hanging chad] 21) “Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.” 22) “A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...” [Barney talking Halloween Costumes] 23) “Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"” 24) “Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again” [about a match making service] 25) “Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.” 26) “You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet” 27) “You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"” 28) “I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"” 29) “On the question why Barney is sleeping in a tub: "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."” 30) “Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"” 31) “Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style” 32) “People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?” 33) “I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years” 34) “Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you” 35) “Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.” 36) “This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat” [on the phone] 37) “You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?” 38) “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old” 39) “Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Rereturn. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!” 40) “My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy” 41) “Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life” 42) “Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much” 43) “Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” 44) “You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier” 45) “I know what you want: Magic!” 46) “Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.” 47) “Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?” 48) “Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow” 49) “That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!” 50) “You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!” 51) “For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York!” 52) “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancĂ©e. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.” 53) “You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.” 54) “We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.” 55) “Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.” 56) “Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade-- provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.” 57) “The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.” 58) “Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!” 59) “See that wall? *Turns on TV* 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!” 60) “Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.” 61) “I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out” 62) “Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-theappartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the Taliban.” 63) “Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ... You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story” 64) “This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.” 65) “Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year” 66) “Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.” 67) “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story” 68) [Seeing his nude painting]: “You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme” 69) “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.” 70) “Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies” 71) “How to Run a Marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two” 72) “How Barney would call his truck: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."” 73) “Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened.” 74) “The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, and she'd like... let’s say, you in the inappropriately short dress to rub them” 75) “Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...” 76) “Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?” 77) “That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate” 78) “We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up?” 79) “You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting New Yorker” 80) “We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers” 81) “Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!” 82) “Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!” 83) “Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.” 84) “She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants” 85) “Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.” 86) “I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about?” 87) “Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am, I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness” 88) “Barney about investing in women: That's going to reward shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What up!” 89) “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome” 90) “But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking!” 91) “Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties" incorporated.” 92) “Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.” 93) “Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize” 94) “You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere” 95) “Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?” 96) “No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.” 97) “Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor” 98) “That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!” 99) “Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos” 100) “It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything” 101) “I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut” 102) “Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race” 103) “Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-halffull," but I think they're getting dumber” 104) “Berry Blaster Brain revitalizer—My God, some of these drinks can actually make a girl smarter. What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?” 105) “Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!” 106) “Yes, because on Not a Father’s Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear! Wordplay five!” 107) “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome” 108) “I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.” 109) “All these years I've been suiting-up when I should've been suiting-down (talking about the Naked Man)” 110) “We should totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome. And dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar... Puzzles. People will be, like, "Why is it called Puzzles?". That's the puzzle” 111) “All my life I have dared to go past what is possible. [Ted: To the impossible?] Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.” 112) “Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision— Visitivity” 113) “That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything” 114) “a hug is just like a public dry hump” 115) “If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues” 116) “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest” 117) “The things I know about this company, I'll never be fired. There's a chance I'll wash up on shore with no identifiable finger prints or teeth” 118) “Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppetmaster, surreptitiously manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She is pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one; hang onto her” 119) “Nice! Girls whose names end in LY are always dirty: Holly, Kelly, Karly... Lily.” 120) “Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story” 121) “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fellah, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.” 122) “When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my life has better lighting?” 123) “You, sir, got Stella thinking: "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front, oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?" quake” 124) “I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities” 125) “That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.” 126) “How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever” 127) “No Ted, brunch is not cool” 128) “Can we have class outside?” 129) “Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.” 130) “I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby, that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby” 131) “Aw tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch” 132) “Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging” 133) [About knowing Canada's citizenship questionairre] “Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?” 134) “to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...” 135) “Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day” 136) “There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?” 137) “Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.” 138) “Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it” 139) “It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.” 140) “Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's. An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness” 141) “Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black. This my friends is... The Playbook.” 142) “Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! *pauses* Well, except for the Cheap Trick.” 143) “The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a real production” 144) “Only if you rub it hard enough.” 145) “See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired!” 146) “No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.” 147) “I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.” 148) “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.” 149) “Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.” 150) “I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs another gin and tonic".” 151) “Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate them.” 152) “No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest till she is mine.” 153) “That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase it with a White American!” 154) “Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going home with her tonight.” 155) “Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.” 156) “Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.” 157) “I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know - germs.” 158) “Magic phone guys - magic phone” 159) “Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig” 160) “So now, pharma girls are the hottest profession. At least when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her first. It's called manners.” 161) “I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing - unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.” 162) “It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture - I don't know why, just ask God.” 163) “The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.” 164) “People want the lie. They need the lie!” 165) “People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.” 166) “We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner! Other space-related double entendres!” 167) “Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil Armstrong.” 168) “Ted, your mom and I got to second base.” 169) “So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs drinks?” 170) “Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.” 171) “Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs” 172) “You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!” 173) “One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!” 174) “The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?” 175) “So my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks. 176) Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better.” 177) “Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.” 178) “So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?” 179) “Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.” 180) “You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.” 181) “Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.” 182) “Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't.” 183) “Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.” 184) “Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay ... Bro-workers?” 185) “Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been coopted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!” 186) “Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?” 187) “The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why I have never taken the bus.” 188) “Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!” 189) “Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with dead batteries and beat you with it.” 190) “Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.” 191) “I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.” 192) “SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.” 193) “He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.” 194) “Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?” 195) “I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.” 196) “Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!” 197) “I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.” 198) “I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!” 199) “February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.” 200) “And I thought Pompeii was smoking.” 201) “She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.” 202) “She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.” 203) “You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.” 204) “With great penis comes great responsibility.” 205) “Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.” 206) “Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here...don't ask you're not ready.” 207) “Tonight's gonna be Leden-Jerry!” 208) “I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry not Stay at Home Jerome.” 209) “Feelin' fine and gettin' some 'Gine” 210) “New is always better.” 211) “Challenge accepted.” 212) “If I were only casting the White Swan, the role would be yours.” 213) “I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my...” 214) “Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, hash tag refill!”

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