tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37472362024202769152024-03-13T06:56:16.184-07:00MUDIT'S OFFICIAL BLOGall computer gadgets related luk ups......Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-39241089516399433912016-02-02T01:07:00.001-08:002016-02-02T01:07:50.006-08:00UBER - FREE Rs. 250 Coupon code, First Time user - Taxi in India, Car on demand - FREE RIDE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">Finally after getting over MERU and Easy cabs, and the likes. who charge 25INR/km, Made up my mind to use UBER, Since i use a BB10 Passport, had to port the app.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">The payment gateway could not be added as it kept asking for Credit Card information which did not work(may be because it was ported)</span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">Finally i added payment method of Paytm and Airtel money( which also took a while) < You need to have minimum of 200INR to add them. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">Uber is great, after installing, add the below promo code to get 250INR free ride, which is deducted automatically after the first ride payment.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">You loose the rest of the money if your first ride is less the 250INR.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="line-height: 27px;">PROMO CODE : </span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="line-height: 27px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="line-height: 27px;"><br /></span></span></span></span><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="line-height: 27px;">UBERMADDYL</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #070716;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #070716; color: white; font-family: ff-clan-web-pro-wide, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 27px;">Uber is evolving the way the world moves. By seamlessly connecting riders to drivers through our apps, we make cities more accessible, opening up more possibilities for riders and more business for drivers. From our founding in 2009 to our launches in hundreds of cities today, Uber's rapidly expanding global presence continues to bring people and their cities closer.</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-58107484251223450572014-04-17T10:57:00.001-07:002014-04-17T10:57:56.129-07:00Ab ki baar Modi Sarkaar- 3 year old<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/9wC4mMhW29I" width="480"></iframe><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-5326780265220488482013-06-27T09:42:00.001-07:002013-06-27T09:42:09.592-07:00Barney Stinson’s Legendary Guide to being Awesome<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You can learn a lot from television. Things like how to create the perfect crime scene (watch out for those loose hairs. They’ll get you every damn time.) or how to successfully make a souffle. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to be awesome. It’s fairly simple:
1. Get rid of the goatee. It doesn’t go with your suit.
2. Get a suit.
3. Don’t even think about getting married until you’re 30.
4. Don’t wait for the signal. Just kiss her or him.
5. Grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
6. If you get caught accidentally grinding with your cousin at a very loud club, italics: that night did not happen.
8. Every Halloween, bring a spare costume in case you strike out with the hottest girl or guy at the party. That way, you have a second chance to make a first impression.
9. If a first date goes badly, it’s okay to use the lemon law. (It’s gonna be a thing.)
10. Remember that helping people less fortunate than you is the greatest pleasure in the world. That, and getting your toes sucked.
11. If your brain screws you up, power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation-style. Five shots should do the trick.
12. Always have a back-up Get Psyched Mix in case Not!Moby steals the original.
13. To avoid embarrassing moments with your stand-in bro, remember that Battelship is not an internationally recognized term for sex.
14. Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365!
15. When crashing a high school prom, Go Ho or Go Home.
16. Your job is an important part of your image. Example: chicks think that architects are hot because architects create something out of nothing. They’re like God. There is no one hotter than God.
17. The four most important words at a wedding: It’s for the bride.
18. Create a list of attainable goals and cross off your accomplishments.
Example: “Of my list all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which/on which it is possible to have sex, I have had sex in/on 31 out of 33.”
19. Learn how to seduce properly:
First, buy her or him a drink. Then pretend to be interested in whatever (s)he cares about. Be all sympathetic and before you know it, (s)he’s naked in your apartment shouting (your name here).
20. Allow people to slap your face, but do not allow them to slap your mind.
21. Invest at the gym. You’ll see aggressive growth in your future
22. Don’t poop where you eat.
23. It’s okay to be the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women he’s slept with but it’s not okay to sleep with a woman and not even remember her.
24. Comfort your friends in their hour of need. If that involves really hot kissing, so be it.
25. And finally, when you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.
1) “Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians“
2) Barney: “Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your
suit.”
Ted: “I'm not wearing a suit.”
Barney: “Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to
his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married
till you're thirty.”
3) “Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I
wish you'd put on a suit.”
4) Barney: “Solid plan, my little friend.”
Ted: “We're the same height”
5) “Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is
always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows
no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you
see... where I'm going... with this?”
6) “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this
morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her
walking. She'll never find her way back.”
7) “Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport
security. Not cool.”
8) “Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell
me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you,
I'm just the dynamic uno”
9) “We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be
legendary! Snowsuit up”
10) “Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness,"
okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if
you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk
to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell.
You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.”
11) “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already
dated: breast implants”
12) “No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it
in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing”
13) “What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end
of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism.
That's just things in a diaper”
14) “You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship
over!”
15) “The question is: Do these strategies ever NOT work for me?
Either way the answer is about half the time”
16) “One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that
they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my
blog?”
17) “You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged
or married or, God forbid, fat”
18) “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike
out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second
chance to make a first impression.” (check out Barney Stinson’s
Halloween Customs!)
19) “Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret
party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht?
The Barnicle!”
20) “Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us
into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end
of the night, your chad will not be hanging.” [Ted dressed as a
hanging chad]
21) “Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up
to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's
number. Check and check.”
22) “A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's
a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...” [Barney talking
Halloween Costumes]
23) “Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out":
to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with
disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when
he-"”
24) “Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll
meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again” [about
a match making service]
25) “Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect
cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.”
26) “You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean
missing the toilet”
27) “You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"”
28) “I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul
boner"”
29) “On the question why Barney is sleeping in a tub: "The
porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."”
30) “Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the
universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty
cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"”
31) “Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It
happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's
gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of
neurosis, inebriation style”
32) “People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so
psyched so much of the time"?”
33) “I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have
hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of
attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way
Claudia has been drunk for three years”
34) “Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's
like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing
line and win ten chicks hotter than you”
35) “Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm
revoking your dude license.”
36) “This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the
way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great
massage. Say whaaaat” [on the phone]
37) “You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship.
Is that not an international recognized term for sex?”
38) “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17
years, 11 months old”
39) “Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful
evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Rereturn. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her
tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely
awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!”
40) “My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of
joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's
poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome
24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy”
41) “Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry
on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life”
42) “Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something
to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so
much”
43) “Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my
body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on
a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday
afternoon.”
44) “You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love
yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could
change your entire personality... which is just so much easier”
45) “I know what you want: Magic!”
46) “Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le,
we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.”
47) “Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have
been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?”
48) “Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing
my mellow”
49) “That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!”
50) “You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's
not a good look for me!”
51) “For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the
same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to
be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl
wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time
a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and
binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette
party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads
out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be
what is "up" New York!”
52) “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see,
that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out
here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor
removed.”
53) “You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop
being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome
instead. True story.”
54) “We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money
for community college.”
55) “Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think
about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like
God. There is no one hotter than God.”
56) “Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long
it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but
unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only
materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death.
I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet
resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade--
provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the
beyond, Barney.”
57) “The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.”
58) “Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor
Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here.
Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts
twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!”
59) “See that wall? *Turns on TV* 300 inch flatscreen! They
only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in
a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!”
60) “Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal
health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to
watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on
the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.”
61) “I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I
had to get some of it out”
62) “Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-theappartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the
Taliban.”
63) “Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let
me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ...
You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and
be awesome instead. True story”
64) “This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off
playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm
hideous.”
65) “Christmas is a time when people are lonely and
desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year”
66) “Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.”
67) “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a
second awesome gland. True story”
68) [Seeing his nude painting]: “You gave me the Ken doll...
She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana,
Barnito Surpreme”
69) “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a
baby's smile.”
70) “Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to
R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it.
BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the
guys, open casket for the ladies”
71) “How to Run a Marathon: Step one, you start running.
There is no step two”
72) “How Barney would call his truck: Number ten, "The
Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number
eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream
Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on
Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number
four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid."
Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I
would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it
back... "The '69 Chevy."”
73) “Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I
can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want
some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much
space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some
of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come
home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have
something most people search their whole lives for and never
find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going
through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I
bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I
know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and
you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that
happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever.
Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail;
this trip never happened.”
74) “The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders,
and she'd like... let’s say, you in the inappropriately short dress
to rub them”
75) “Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...”
76) “Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible.
We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?”
77) “That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. You
know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate”
78) “We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's
three days from now. What up?”
79) “You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated,
Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting
New Yorker”
80) “We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers”
81) “Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more
accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and
she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring.
It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably
can't. Go get 'em, tiger!”
82) “Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and
green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!”
83) “Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry
committment.”
84) “She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna
get into this girl's pants”
85) “Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I
wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in
Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we
were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better
than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had
restored her faith in god.”
86) “I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was
and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians
even have to celebrate about?”
87) “Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie,
the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention
unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am,
I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all
up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness”
88) “Barney about investing in women: That's going to reward
shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What
up!”
89) “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from
her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome”
90) “But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds
that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I
earned from said first world rocking!”
91) “Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties"
incorporated.”
92) “Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some
premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating:
1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not
cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not
cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all
three counts.”
93) “Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days
trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the
horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done
some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold
a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's
hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I
am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have
slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep
with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of
my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize”
94) “You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in
here somewhere”
95) “Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last
night?”
96) “No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates
for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're
like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.”
97) “Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple
love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting
for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow
ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor”
98) “That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a
dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to
complain about!”
99) “Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive.
Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This
whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the
day, my heart belongs to bimbos”
100) “It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I
caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and
everything”
101) “I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut”
102) “Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he
wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global
warming that saves the human race”
103) “Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new,
hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-halffull," but I think they're getting dumber”
104) “Berry Blaster Brain revitalizer—My God, some of these
drinks can actually make a girl smarter. What sort of hell has
Ted brought us to?”
105) “Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If
one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!”
106) “Yes, because on Not a Father’s Day, you get a Thai you'd
actually wear! Wordplay five!”
107) “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk
much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of
me. Awesome”
108) “I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our
baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.”
109) “All these years I've been suiting-up when I should've
been suiting-down (talking about the Naked Man)”
110) “We should totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome.
And dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar... Puzzles.
People will be, like, "Why is it called Puzzles?". That's the
puzzle”
111) “All my life I have dared to go past what is possible. [Ted:
To the impossible?] Actually, past that. To the place where the
possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.”
112) “Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision—
Visitivity”
113) “That's what corporate America wants: people who seem
like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything”
114) “a hug is just like a public dry hump”
115) “If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be
Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many
woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues”
116) “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping
in the Midwest”
117) “The things I know about this company, I'll never be fired.
There's a chance I'll wash up on shore with no identifiable
finger prints or teeth”
118) “Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppetmaster, surreptitiously manipulating every situation to get
exactly what she wants. She is pure evil, Marshall. You've got a
good one; hang onto her”
119) “Nice! Girls whose names end in LY are always dirty:
Holly, Kelly, Karly... Lily.”
120) “Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was
perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people
wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus,
what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED
yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me,
dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was
resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like
"Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come
back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin'
the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect
number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in
church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is
DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up
the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he
invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a
woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True
story”
121) “Oh right, because there can be too many of something
wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fellah, let's not hit too
many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three
Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.”
122) “When will you guys realize that the only difference
between my real life and a porno is my life has better
lighting?”
123) “You, sir, got Stella thinking: "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool
today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get
her back. And her front, oh! Did you feel that? I think we just
had a "what up?" quake”
124) “I can only assume you need a license to have a face that
beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive
has to be registered with the proper authorities”
125) “That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull
whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a
whip guy.”
126) “How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule
number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her
take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away
from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule
number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she
doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever”
127) “No Ted, brunch is not cool”
128) “Can we have class outside?”
129) “Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached
to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in
Robin's purse. Stinson out.”
130) “I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby,
that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby”
131) “Aw tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch”
132) “Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that
tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor
probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free
lodging”
133) [About knowing Canada's citizenship questionairre]
“Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two,
really?”
134) “to prove you are as American as apple pie and the
childhood obesity it leads to...”
135) “Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they
may even become a state one day”
136) “There are so many great things to do with the human
mouth, why waste it on talking?”
137) “Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and
a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.”
138) “Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd
pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can
only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a
committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my
memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate
Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to
have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed
relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for
the love of god get me out of it”
139) “It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that
good.”
140) “Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up
your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's. An
actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and
her slutiness”
141) “Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I
haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big.
Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black. This my
friends is... The Playbook.”
142) “Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! *pauses*
Well, except for the Cheap Trick.”
143) “The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant
return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is
kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a
real production”
144) “Only if you rub it hard enough.”
145) “See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget
acquizzired!”
146) “No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these.
Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and
amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a
woman.”
147) “I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these
overalls.”
148) “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations:
post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two
overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a
sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated
every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have,
pregnancy scares.”
149) “Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.”
150) “I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs
another gin and tonic".”
151) “Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate
them.”
152) “No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest
till she is mine.”
153) “That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase
it with a White American!”
154) “Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going
home with her tonight.”
155) “Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.”
156) “Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her
texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.”
157) “I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver
because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of
women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know
- germs.”
158) “Magic phone guys - magic phone”
159) “Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig”
160) “So now, pharma girls are the hottest profession. At least
when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her
first. It's called manners.”
161) “I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing -
unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.”
162) “It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture -
I don't know why, just ask God.”
163) “The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the
camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice
lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I
lie there with my eyes closed.”
164) “People want the lie. They need the lie!”
165) “People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out
they've been lied to.”
166) “We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner!
Other space-related double entendres!”
167) “Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a
good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil
Armstrong.”
168) “Ted, your mom and I got to second base.”
169) “So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and
she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me
AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs
drinks?”
170) “Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair,
boobs? Start with boobs.”
171) “Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth
lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs”
172) “You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the
MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!”
173) “One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!”
174) “The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when
she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you
mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out
with me?”
175) “So my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm
really out humping busty chicks.
176) Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until
you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot
better.”
177) “Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a
hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the
occasional guy won't still open the fridge, open you up, take a
sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from
here.”
178) “So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central
Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and
just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?”
179) “Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape
from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.”
180) “You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I,
Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give
me a fist bump.”
181) “Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.”
182) “Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is
a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and
eye contact that sex just doesn't.”
183) “Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl
at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with
her.”
184) “Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers,
nay ... Bro-workers?”
185) “Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle
forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been coopted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!”
186) “Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that
girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a
condom?”
187) “The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that
one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why
I have never taken the bus.”
188) “Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it
...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we
friggin' work together!”
189) “Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with
dead batteries and beat you with it.”
190) “Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got
the string you've got the cans.”
191) “I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier
than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the
office Presidents Day rave.”
192) “SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times
men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think
about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the
redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.”
193) “He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest
link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up
your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're
times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must
leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just
didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave
Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated
from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's
Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.”
194) “Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred
dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot
of money to someone like you?”
195) “I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters,
over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy
bang.”
196) “Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms!
And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to
take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap
dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap
dance!”
197) “I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.”
198) “I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I
finally glow in the dark!”
199) “February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self
esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.”
200) “And I thought Pompeii was smoking.”
201) “She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so
she's allowed to push kids.”
202) “She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney
don't chase.”
203) “You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.”
204) “With great penis comes great responsibility.”
205) “Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel,
because she's got brothers.”
206) “Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here,
vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel
right here...don't ask you're not ready.”
207) “Tonight's gonna be Leden-Jerry!”
208) “I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry not Stay at Home
Jerome.”
209) “Feelin' fine and gettin' some 'Gine”
210) “New is always better.”
211) “Challenge accepted.”
212) “If I were only casting the White Swan, the role would be
yours.”
213) “I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all
the space poison out of my...”
214) “Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, hash tag
refill!”
<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-76238000263891030142012-03-28T01:32:00.002-07:002012-03-28T01:35:05.038-07:00BACK AGAIN with THE BEST ONE LINERS - The biggest DATABASE of ONE LINERS43% of all statistics are worthless.<br />7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.<br />99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.<br />A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.<br />A bad plan is better than no plan.<br />A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.<br />A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx<br />A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.<br />A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips<br />A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.<br />A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. — Woodrow Wilson<br />A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. — Ayn Rand<br />A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde<br />A day for firm decisions! Or is it?<br />A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.<br />A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost<br />A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.<br />A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.<br />A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.<br />A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.<br />A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — Jim Morrison<br />A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein<br />A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.<br />A gentleman is a patient wolf.<br />A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. — Bruce Lee<br />A good pun is its own reword.<br />A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. — Lao Tzu<br />A harmful truth is better than a useful lie. — Thomas Mann<br />A jug fills drop by drop. — Buddha<br />A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill<br />A lie told often enough becomes the truth. — Vladimir Lenin<br />A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.<br />A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.<br />A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.<br />A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson<br />A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.<br />A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.<br />A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.<br />A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.<br />A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. — Albert Einstein<br />A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.<br />A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.<br />A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.<br />A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin<br />A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.<br />A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.<br />A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.<br />A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. — Oscar Wilde<br />A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.<br />A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students<br />A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.<br />A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. — Bruce Lee<br />A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire<br />A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby<br />A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. — Orson Welles<br />According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.<br />Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. — Mary Pickford<br />Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.<br />Adult: One old enough to know better.<br />Advertising is legalized lying. — H.G. Wells<br />After all is said and done, more is said than done.<br />Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.<br />Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.<br />Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.<br />All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.<br />All hope abandon, ye who enter here!<br />All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr<br />All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.<br />All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.<br />All warfare is based on deception. — Sun Tzu<br />All work and no play, will make you a manager.<br />Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.<br />Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway<br />Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde<br />Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.<br />Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.<br />An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.<br />An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.<br />An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.<br />An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. — Albert Einstein<br />An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. — Mohandas Gandhi<br />Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.<br />Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.<br />Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein<br />Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. — Cicero<br />Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.<br />Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.<br />Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.<br />Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.<br />Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire<br />Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. — Mae West<br />Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.<br />Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.<br />Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?<br />Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.<br />As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.<br />As our case is new, we must think anew. — Abraham Lincoln<br />As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. — Goethe<br />Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.<br />Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.<br />Attitude determines your altitude.<br />Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…<br />Bad spellers of the world untie!<br />Bald guys never have a bad hair day.<br />Batteries not included.<br />Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain<br />Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.<br />Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.<br />Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.<br />Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. — Plato<br />Be naughty – save santa the trip.<br />Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates<br />Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.<br />Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.<br />Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde<br />Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.<br />Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.<br />Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.<br />Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin<br />Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey<br />Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.<br />Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Best viewed on my computer.<br />Better late than really late.<br />Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. — Buddha<br />Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West<br />Biology grows on you.<br />Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.<br />Boards don’t hit back. — Bruce Lee<br />Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard<br />Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.<br />Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. — Vladimir Lenin<br />Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.<br />Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.<br />Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.<br />Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.<br />Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.<br />Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.<br />Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.<br />Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life. — Confucius<br />Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. — Henry Ford<br />Clones are people two.<br />Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain<br />Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.<br />Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. — Robin Williams<br />Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.<br />College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.<br />Come to the dark side – we have cookies.<br />Common sense is not so common. — Voltaire<br />Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso<br />Could be worse… I could be Sting. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?<br />Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.<br />Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon<br />Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain<br />Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?<br />Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.<br />Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.<br />Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight. — Yogi Berra<br />Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.<br />Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind. — Bruce Lee<br />Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.<br />Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs<br />Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. — Jim Rohn<br />Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.<br />Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?<br />Does the noise in my head bother you?<br />Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.<br />Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.<br />Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.<br />Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.<br />Don’t believe everything you think.<br />Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius<br />Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.<br />Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile. — Mae West<br />Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.<br />Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. — Mae West<br />Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. — John Wooden<br />Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.<br />Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.<br />Don’t mistake activity for achievement. — John Wooden<br />Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.<br />Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.<br />Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.<br />Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.<br />Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. — Brandt Paul<br />Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.<br />Drive defensively – buy a tank.<br />Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.<br />Dyslexics have more fnu.<br />Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.<br />Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.<br />Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.<br />Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).<br />Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.<br />Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.<br />Either you run the day or the day runs you. — Jim Rohn<br />Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.<br />Elevators smell different to midgets.<br />Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. — Goethe<br />Entropy isn’t what it used to be.<br />Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.<br />Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.<br />Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.<br />Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.<br />Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. — Voltaire<br />Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. — Stanislaw J. Lec<br />Every solution breeds new problems.<br />Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson<br />Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. — Will Rogers<br />Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.<br />Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.<br />Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.<br />Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.<br />Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.<br />Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield<br />Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy<br />Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.<br />Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright<br />Examine what is said, not who speaks.<br />Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.<br />Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?<br />Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.<br />Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde<br />F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.<br />Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.<br />Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.<br />Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford<br />Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved. — Lao Tzu<br />Failure teaches success.<br />Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.<br />Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. — Dale Carnegie<br />Fear is the foundation of most governments. — John Adams<br />Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.<br />Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.<br />First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain<br />First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.<br />Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams<br />Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. — Cathy Guisewite<br />For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.<br />For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.<br />For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson<br />For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken<br />For good, return good. For evil, return justice.<br />Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy<br />Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. — Bob Marley<br />Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.<br />Friendly fire – isn’t.<br />Friends are nothing but a known enemy. — Kurt Cobain<br />Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.<br />Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones<br />Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.<br />Frog blast the vent core!<br />Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.<br />Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. — Mark Twain<br />Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.<br />Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.<br />Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Mark Twain<br />Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.<br />God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire<br />God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.<br />God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.<br />Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.<br />Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.<br />Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.<br />Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein<br />Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.<br />Half the people you know are below average.<br />Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. — Dalai Lama<br />Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.<br />Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.<br />Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen<br />Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. — Salvador Dali<br />He that can have patience can have what he will. — Benjamin Franklin<br />He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. — Lao Tzu<br />He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.<br />Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius<br />Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.<br />Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?<br />Hey! It compiles! Ship it!<br />Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?<br />History has shown there are no invincible armies. — Joseph Stalin<br />History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.<br />Honk if you like peace and quiet.<br />How come wrong numbers are never busy?<br />How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. — Fred Brooks<br />How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?<br />How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.<br />I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso<br />I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W. C. Fields<br />I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. — Socrates<br />I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.<br />I am the captain of my soul. — Nelson Mandela<br />I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. — Stephen King<br />I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.<br />I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. — Warren Buffett<br />I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde<br />I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.<br />I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.<br />I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.<br />I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. — Benjamin Franklin<br />I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.<br />I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.<br />I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.<br />I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!<br />I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. — Voltaire<br />I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln<br />I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks<br />I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!<br />I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry<br />I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.<br />I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde<br />I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx<br />I doubt, therefore I might be.<br />I drink to make other people interesting.<br />I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. — Mae West<br />I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien<br />I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.<br />I have a strong will but a weak won’t.<br />I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it. — Groucho Marx<br />I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter<br />I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx<br />I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright<br />I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy<br />I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein<br />I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.<br />I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen<br />I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.<br />I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford<br />I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams<br />I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?<br />I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. — W. C. Fields<br />I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx<br />I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra<br />I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.<br />I only drink to make other people more sociable.<br />I prefer old age to the alternative.<br />I quote people to better express myself.<br />I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.<br />I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.<br />I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye<br />I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.<br />I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.<br />I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman<br />I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.<br />I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.<br />I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.<br />I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.<br />I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.<br />I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. — Pablo Picasso<br />I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. — Kurt Cobain<br />I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.<br />I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. — Mae West<br />I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.<br />I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?<br />I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller<br />I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown<br />I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.<br />I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!<br />I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.<br />I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.<br />I’ve been called worse things by better people. — Pierre Trudeau<br />I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe<br />If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.<br />If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.<br />If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. — Mae West<br />If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.<br />If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?<br />If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.<br />If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.<br />If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.<br />If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.<br />If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.<br />If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?<br />If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?<br />If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.<br />If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.<br />If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.<br />If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.<br />If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself. — Kris Kristofferson<br />If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?<br />If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.<br />If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath<br />If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?<br />If it can go wrong it probably already has.<br />If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.<br />If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.<br />If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.<br />If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?<br />If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!<br />If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.<br />If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?<br />If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?<br />If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.<br />If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. — Laurence J. Peter<br />If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.<br />If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.<br />If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.<br />If we don’t end war, war will end us. — H.G. Wells<br />If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.<br />If you are going through hell, keep going. — Winston Churchill<br />If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.<br />If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.<br />If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. — Jim Rohn<br />If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.<br />If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.<br />If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one. — Mother Teresa<br />If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.<br />If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good. — Bill Gates<br />If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.<br />If you cannot convince them, confuse them.<br />If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?<br />If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?<br />If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.<br />If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today. — Bruce Lee<br />If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.<br />If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably<br />worth it.<br />If you put it off long enough, it might go away.<br />If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.<br />If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. — Mark Twain<br />If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.<br />If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.<br />If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.<br />If you want to make enemies, try to change something. — Woodrow Wilson<br />If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.<br />If you’re happy, you’re successful.<br />If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.<br />If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. — Stan Levenson<br />Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.<br />In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?<br />In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.<br />In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann<br />In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand<br />In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.<br />In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dalai Lama<br />In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. — Steve Jobs<br />Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown<br />Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. — Albert Einstein<br />It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. — W. C. Fields<br />It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.<br />It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein<br />It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.<br />It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. — Charles Darwin<br />It is better to be alone than in bad company. — George Washington<br />It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. — Oscar Wilde<br />It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.<br />It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.<br />It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. — Plato<br />It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.<br />It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.<br />It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.<br />It’s like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra<br />It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill<br />It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.<br />It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen<br />It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. — Lou Holtz<br />It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.<br />It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.<br />It’s people that give drinking a bad name.<br />It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.<br />I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.<br />Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.<br />Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.<br />Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.<br />Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<br />Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. — Jimi Hendrix<br />Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.<br />Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.<br />Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!<br />Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.<br />Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.<br />Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.<br />Leisure is being allowed to do nothing. — G.K. Chesterton<br />Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.<br />Life exists for no known purpose.<br />Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing<br />Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.<br />Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. — John Wayne<br />Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov<br />Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon<br />Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.<br />Life’s a bleach and then you dye.<br />Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.<br />Linux is only free if your time is worthless.<br />Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.<br />Listen if you want to be heard. — John Wooden<br />Live simply so other may simply live. — Mother Teresa<br />Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.<br />Logic is in the eye of the logician.<br />Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany<br />Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns<br />Love is a serious mental disease. — Plato<br />Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.<br />Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.<br />Love the life you live. Live the life you love. — Bob Marley<br />Lunix… Because i’m better than you.<br />Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.<br />Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.<br />Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.<br />Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.<br />Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.<br />Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.<br />Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.<br />Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.<br />Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.<br />Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. — Franklin D. Roosevelt<br />Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.<br />Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal<br />Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum<br />Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. — Groucho Marx<br />Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.<br />Monday is the root of all evil.<br />Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<br />Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.<br />Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.<br />Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.<br />Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughan<br />Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible. — Dale Carnegie<br />Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.<br />Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. — Robert Anthony<br />Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.<br />My drinking team has a bowling problem.<br />My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen<br />My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.<br />My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers<br />My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />Name of the greatest inventor. Accident. — Mark Twain<br />Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.<br />Never buy a car you can’t push.<br />Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.<br />Never eat yellow snow.<br />Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.<br />Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.<br />Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.<br />Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov<br />Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.<br />Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain<br />Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.<br />Never test the depth of the water with both feet.<br />Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.<br />Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.<br />Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.<br />Never was anything great achieved without danger. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy<br />Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.<br />No good deed goes unpunished.<br />No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.<br />No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to. — Lynn Johnston<br />No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.<br />No-one suspects the butterfly!<br />Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.<br />Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.<br />Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.<br />Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.<br />Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford<br />Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.<br />Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.<br />Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.<br />Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.<br />Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.<br />Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.<br />Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.<br />Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. — Chet Atkins<br />One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. — Bob Marley<br />One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.<br />Only dead fish go with the flow.<br />Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. — Pablo Picasso<br />Only the winners decide what were war crimes.<br />Only users lose drugs.<br />Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. — Dalai Lama<br />Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.<br />Opportunities multiply as they are seized. — Sun Tzu<br />Optimist: Someone without much experience.<br />Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. — Laurence J. Peter<br />Our true nationality is mankind. — H.G. Wells<br />Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson<br />Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. — Albert Einstein<br />People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.<br />People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.<br />People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.<br />Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman<br />Politics have no relation to morals. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!<br />Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. — Warren Buffett<br />Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01<br />Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz<br />Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.<br />Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh<br />Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.<br />Quitting is leading, too. — Nelson Mandela<br />Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.<br />Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. — Joseph Addison<br />Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.<br />Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.<br />Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan<br />Rehab is for quitters.<br />Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.<br />Religion is the Opium for the masses. — Karl Marx<br />Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon<br />Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.<br />Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.<br />Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. — Oscar Levant<br />Save the whales. Collect the whole set.<br />Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.<br />Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.<br />Send lawyers, guns and money!<br />Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.<br />Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.<br />Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.<br />Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.<br />Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.<br />Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.<br />Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel<br />So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. — Dalai Lama<br />Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.<br />Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde<br />Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.<br />Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet. — Bob Marley<br />Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.<br />Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.<br />Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.<br />Spelling is a lossed art.<br />Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.<br />Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in. — Leonardo da Vinci<br />Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein<br />Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. — Orson Welles<br />Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. — Bill Gates<br />Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Abraham Lincoln<br />Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.<br />Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!<br />Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.<br />Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.<br />Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.<br />Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields<br />Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.<br />Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.<br />The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.<br />The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. — Cousin Woodman<br />The beatings will continue until morale improves.<br />The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. — Sandy Cooley<br />The best things in life aren’t things.<br />The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.<br />The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates<br />The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker<br />The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein<br />The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.<br />The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.<br />The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.<br />The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<br />The farther away the future is, the better it looks.<br />The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers<br />The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. — Maya Angelou<br />The future will be better tomorrow.<br />The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. — Bruce Lee<br />The Killer Ducks are coming!<br />The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.<br />The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.<br />The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.<br />The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.<br />The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. — Robert Bloch<br />The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.<br />The mind is everything. What you think you become. — Buddha<br />The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov<br />The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. — Ann Landers<br />The only certain thing in life is death.<br />The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.<br />The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. — Henry Ford<br />The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.<br />The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix<br />The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke<br />The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.<br />The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.<br />The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell<br />The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. — Mary Pickford<br />The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.<br />The problem with the future is it turns into the present.<br />The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde<br />The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. — Pablo Picasso<br />The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.<br />The revolution will not be televised.<br />The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.<br />The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.<br />The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.<br />The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. — Cicero<br />The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.<br />The shortest distance between two points is under construction.<br />The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.<br />The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.<br />The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.<br />The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.<br />The time is always right to do the right thing. — Martin Luther King<br />The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. — Buddha<br />The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.<br />The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.<br />The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. — John Wooden<br />The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.<br />The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!<br />The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.<br />There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.<br />There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts. — Charles Dickens<br />There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. — Franklin D. Roosevelt<br />There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />There are no facts, only interpretations. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />There are no short cuts to any place worth going.<br />There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. — Zig Ziglar<br />There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.<br />There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.<br />There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.<br />There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson<br />There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.<br />There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. — Buddha<br />There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.<br />There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.<br />There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks<br />There is no time like the pleasant.<br />There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. — Charles Dickens<br />There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart. — Charles Dickens<br />There was never a bad peace or a good war. — Benjamin Franklin<br />There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.<br />There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.<br />There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. — Kevin James<br />There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. — Mark Rasch<br />There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. — R. Buckminster Fuller<br />There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.<br />They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.<br />They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.<br />They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!<br />Think much, Speak little, Write less.<br />Think things through before you’re through thinking.<br />This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.<br />This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.<br />This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.<br />This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.<br />Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov<br />Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin<br />Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. — Aristotle<br />Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. — Joseph Stalin<br />Thought is free. — William Shakespeare<br />Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.<br />Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. — John Lennon<br />To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra<br />To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. — Pablo Picasso<br />To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />To err is human, to arr is pirate.<br />To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.<br />To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.<br />To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.<br />To err is hunam.<br />To generalize is to be an idiot.<br />To lead the people, walk behind them. — Lao Tzu<br />To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde<br />To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.<br />To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen<br />Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.<br />Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.<br />Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!<br />Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.<br />Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.<br />Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West<br />Too much of everything is just enough.<br />Tracers work both ways.<br />True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.<br />Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away. — Elvis Presley<br />Trying is failing with honors.<br />TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright<br />Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.<br />Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.<br />Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. — C. S. Lewis<br />Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.<br />Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.<br />Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.<br />Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.<br />Vision without execution is just hallucination. — Henry Ford<br />Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. — Kurt Cobain<br />War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.<br />Wasting time is an important part of living.<br />We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.<br />We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. — Anais Nin<br />We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.<br />We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.<br />We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. — Martin Luther King<br />We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<br />Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.<br />Welcome what you can’t avoid.<br />What happens if you get scared half to death twice?<br />What has been seen cannot be unseen.<br />What if there were no hypothetical questions?<br />What one has to do usually can be done. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.<br />What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.<br />Whatever happens, ignore it all.<br />When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.<br />When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.<br />When blondes have more fun, do they know it?<br />When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.<br />When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.<br />When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. — Jack Handey<br />When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner<br />When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.<br />When in doubt empty the magazine.<br />When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.<br />When in doubt, mumble.<br />When in doubt, poke it with a stick.<br />When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. — Sigmund Freud<br />When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.<br />When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.<br />When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.<br />When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates<br />When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.<br />When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?<br />When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.<br />When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.<br />When you have nothing to say, say nothing.<br />When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.<br />Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right. — Henry Ford<br />Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?<br />While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.<br />Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?<br />Whoever controls the media controls the mind. — Jim Morrison<br />Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.<br />Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?<br />Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.<br />Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?<br />Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?<br />Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?<br />Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think. — Lou Holtz<br />Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.<br />With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.<br />With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.<br />Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.<br />Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.<br />Work is the curse of the drinking class.<br />Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.<br />Worry is a misuse of the imagination.<br />Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.<br />XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.<br />Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx<br />Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />You always admire what you really don’t understand. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.<br />You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.<br />You can observe a lot just by watching.<br />You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West<br />You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.<br />You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.<br />You don’t have to explain something you never said.<br />You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.<br />You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill<br />You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same. — Jonathan Davis<br />You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin<br />You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. — Margaret Thatcher<br />You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. — Dale Carnegie<br />You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.<br />You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.<br />You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.<br />You’re never too old to learn something stupid.<br />You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.<br />You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.<br />Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. — Bill Gates<br />Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-18438115134837997402012-02-21T21:57:00.000-08:002012-02-21T21:58:32.188-08:00Few of the TOP - ONE LINERS... MadDyThis is the complete listing of all the one-liners you see on the top bottom of the page. Do you know a good one-liner that’s not listed here? Please send it to me.<br /><br />43% of all statistics are worthless.<br />7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.<br />99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.<br />A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.<br />A bad plan is better than no plan.<br />A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.<br />A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx<br />A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.<br />A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips<br />A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.<br />A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. — Woodrow Wilson<br />A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. — Ayn Rand<br />A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde<br />A day for firm decisions! Or is it?<br />A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.<br />A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost<br />A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.<br />A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.<br />A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.<br />A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.<br />A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — Jim Morrison<br />A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein<br />A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.<br />A gentleman is a patient wolf.<br />A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. — Bruce Lee<br />A good pun is its own reword.<br />A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. — Lao Tzu<br />A harmful truth is better than a useful lie. — Thomas Mann<br />A jug fills drop by drop. — Buddha<br />A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill<br />A lie told often enough becomes the truth. — Vladimir Lenin<br />A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.<br />A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.<br />A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.<br />A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson<br />A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.<br />A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.<br />A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.<br />A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.<br />A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. — Albert Einstein<br />A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.<br />A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.<br />A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.<br />A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin<br />A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.<br />A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.<br />A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.<br />A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. — Oscar Wilde<br />A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.<br />A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students<br />A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.<br />A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. — Bruce Lee<br />A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire<br />A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby<br />A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. — Orson Welles<br />According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.<br />Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. — Mary Pickford<br />Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.<br />Adult: One old enough to know better.<br />Advertising is legalized lying. — H.G. Wells<br />After all is said and done, more is said than done.<br />Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.<br />Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.<br />Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.<br />All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.<br />All hope abandon, ye who enter here!<br />All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr<br />All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.<br />All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.<br />All warfare is based on deception. — Sun Tzu<br />All work and no play, will make you a manager.<br />Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.<br />Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway<br />Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde<br />Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.<br />Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.<br />An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.<br />An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.<br />An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.<br />An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. — Albert Einstein<br />An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. — Mohandas Gandhi<br />Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.<br />Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.<br />Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein<br />Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. — Cicero<br />Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.<br />Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.<br />Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.<br />Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.<br />Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire<br />Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. — Mae West<br />Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.<br />Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.<br />Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?<br />Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.<br />As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.<br />As our case is new, we must think anew. — Abraham Lincoln<br />As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. — Goethe<br />Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.<br />Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.<br />Attitude determines your altitude.<br />Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…<br />Bad spellers of the world untie!<br />Bald guys never have a bad hair day.<br />Batteries not included.<br />Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain<br />Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.<br />Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.<br />Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.<br />Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. — Plato<br />Be naughty – save santa the trip.<br />Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates<br />Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.<br />Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.<br />Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde<br />Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.<br />Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.<br />Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.<br />Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin<br />Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey<br />Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.<br />Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Best viewed on my computer.<br />Better late than really late.<br />Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. — Buddha<br />Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West<br />Biology grows on you.<br />Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.<br />Boards don’t hit back. — Bruce Lee<br />Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard<br />Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.<br />Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. — Vladimir Lenin<br />Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.<br />Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.<br />Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.<br />Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.<br />Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.<br />Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.<br />Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.<br />Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life. — Confucius<br />Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. — Henry Ford<br />Clones are people two.<br />Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain<br />Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.<br />Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. — Robin Williams<br />Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.<br />College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.<br />Come to the dark side – we have cookies.<br />Common sense is not so common. — Voltaire<br />Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso<br />Could be worse… I could be Sting. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?<br />Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.<br />Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon<br />Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain<br />Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?<br />Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.<br />Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.<br />Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight. — Yogi Berra<br />Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.<br />Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind. — Bruce Lee<br />Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.<br />Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs<br />Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. — Jim Rohn<br />Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.<br />Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?<br />Does the noise in my head bother you?<br />Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.<br />Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.<br />Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.<br />Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.<br />Don’t believe everything you think.<br />Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius<br />Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.<br />Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile. — Mae West<br />Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.<br />Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. — Mae West<br />Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. — John Wooden<br />Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.<br />Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.<br />Don’t mistake activity for achievement. — John Wooden<br />Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.<br />Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.<br />Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.<br />Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.<br />Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. — Brandt Paul<br />Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.<br />Drive defensively – buy a tank.<br />Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.<br />Dyslexics have more fnu.<br />Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.<br />Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.<br />Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.<br />Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).<br />Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.<br />Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.<br />Either you run the day or the day runs you. — Jim Rohn<br />Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.<br />Elevators smell different to midgets.<br />Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. — Goethe<br />Entropy isn’t what it used to be.<br />Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.<br />Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.<br />Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.<br />Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.<br />Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. — Voltaire<br />Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. — Stanislaw J. Lec<br />Every solution breeds new problems.<br />Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson<br />Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. — Will Rogers<br />Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.<br />Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.<br />Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.<br />Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.<br />Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.<br />Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield<br />Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy<br />Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.<br />Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright<br />Examine what is said, not who speaks.<br />Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.<br />Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?<br />Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.<br />Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde<br />F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.<br />Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.<br />Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.<br />Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford<br />Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved. — Lao Tzu<br />Failure teaches success.<br />Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.<br />Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. — Dale Carnegie<br />Fear is the foundation of most governments. — John Adams<br />Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.<br />Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.<br />First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain<br />First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.<br />Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams<br />Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. — Cathy Guisewite<br />For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.<br />For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.<br />For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson<br />For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken<br />For good, return good. For evil, return justice.<br />Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy<br />Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. — Bob Marley<br />Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.<br />Friendly fire – isn’t.<br />Friends are nothing but a known enemy. — Kurt Cobain<br />Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.<br />Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones<br />Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.<br />Frog blast the vent core!<br />Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.<br />Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. — Mark Twain<br />Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.<br />Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.<br />Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Mark Twain<br />Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.<br />God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire<br />God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.<br />God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.<br />Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.<br />Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.<br />Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.<br />Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein<br />Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.<br />Half the people you know are below average.<br />Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. — Dalai Lama<br />Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.<br />Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.<br />Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen<br />Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. — Salvador Dali<br />He that can have patience can have what he will. — Benjamin Franklin<br />He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. — Lao Tzu<br />He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.<br />Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius<br />Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.<br />Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?<br />Hey! It compiles! Ship it!<br />Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?<br />History has shown there are no invincible armies. — Joseph Stalin<br />History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.<br />Honk if you like peace and quiet.<br />How come wrong numbers are never busy?<br />How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. — Fred Brooks<br />How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?<br />How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.<br />I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso<br />I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W. C. Fields<br />I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. — Socrates<br />I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.<br />I am the captain of my soul. — Nelson Mandela<br />I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. — Stephen King<br />I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.<br />I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. — Warren Buffett<br />I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde<br />I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.<br />I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.<br />I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.<br />I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. — Benjamin Franklin<br />I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.<br />I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.<br />I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.<br />I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!<br />I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. — Voltaire<br />I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln<br />I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks<br />I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!<br />I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry<br />I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.<br />I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde<br />I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx<br />I doubt, therefore I might be.<br />I drink to make other people interesting.<br />I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. — Mae West<br />I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien<br />I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.<br />I have a strong will but a weak won’t.<br />I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it. — Groucho Marx<br />I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter<br />I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx<br />I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright<br />I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy<br />I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein<br />I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.<br />I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen<br />I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.<br />I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford<br />I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams<br />I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?<br />I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. — Thomas Alva Edison<br />I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. — W. C. Fields<br />I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx<br />I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra<br />I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.<br />I only drink to make other people more sociable.<br />I prefer old age to the alternative.<br />I quote people to better express myself.<br />I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.<br />I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.<br />I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye<br />I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.<br />I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.<br />I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman<br />I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.<br />I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.<br />I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.<br />I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.<br />I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.<br />I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. — Pablo Picasso<br />I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. — Kurt Cobain<br />I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.<br />I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. — Mae West<br />I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.<br />I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?<br />I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller<br />I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown<br />I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.<br />I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!<br />I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.<br />I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.<br />I’ve been called worse things by better people. — Pierre Trudeau<br />I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe<br />If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.<br />If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.<br />If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. — Mae West<br />If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.<br />If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?<br />If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.<br />If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.<br />If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.<br />If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.<br />If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.<br />If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.<br />If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?<br />If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?<br />If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.<br />If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.<br />If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.<br />If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.<br />If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself. — Kris Kristofferson<br />If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?<br />If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.<br />If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath<br />If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?<br />If it can go wrong it probably already has.<br />If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.<br />If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.<br />If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.<br />If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?<br />If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!<br />If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.<br />If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?<br />If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?<br />If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.<br />If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. — Laurence J. Peter<br />If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.<br />If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.<br />If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.<br />If we don’t end war, war will end us. — H.G. Wells<br />If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.<br />If you are going through hell, keep going. — Winston Churchill<br />If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.<br />If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.<br />If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. — Jim Rohn<br />If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.<br />If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.<br />If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one. — Mother Teresa<br />If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.<br />If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good. — Bill Gates<br />If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.<br />If you cannot convince them, confuse them.<br />If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?<br />If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?<br />If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.<br />If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today. — Bruce Lee<br />If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.<br />If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably<br />worth it.<br />If you put it off long enough, it might go away.<br />If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.<br />If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. — Mark Twain<br />If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.<br />If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.<br />If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.<br />If you want to make enemies, try to change something. — Woodrow Wilson<br />If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.<br />If you’re happy, you’re successful.<br />If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.<br />If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. — Stan Levenson<br />Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.<br />In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?<br />In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.<br />In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann<br />In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand<br />In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.<br />In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dalai Lama<br />In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. — Steve Jobs<br />Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown<br />Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. — Albert Einstein<br />It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. — W. C. Fields<br />It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.<br />It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein<br />It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.<br />It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. — Charles Darwin<br />It is better to be alone than in bad company. — George Washington<br />It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. — Oscar Wilde<br />It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.<br />It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.<br />It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. — Plato<br />It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.<br />It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.<br />It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.<br />It’s like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra<br />It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill<br />It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.<br />It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen<br />It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. — Lou Holtz<br />It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.<br />It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.<br />It’s people that give drinking a bad name.<br />It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.<br />I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.<br />Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.<br />Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.<br />Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.<br />Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<br />Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. — Jimi Hendrix<br />Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.<br />Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.<br />Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!<br />Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.<br />Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.<br />Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.<br />Leisure is being allowed to do nothing. — G.K. Chesterton<br />Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.<br />Life exists for no known purpose.<br />Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing<br />Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.<br />Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. — John Wayne<br />Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov<br />Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon<br />Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.<br />Life’s a bleach and then you dye.<br />Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.<br />Linux is only free if your time is worthless.<br />Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.<br />Listen if you want to be heard. — John Wooden<br />Live simply so other may simply live. — Mother Teresa<br />Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.<br />Logic is in the eye of the logician.<br />Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany<br />Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns<br />Love is a serious mental disease. — Plato<br />Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.<br />Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.<br />Love the life you live. Live the life you love. — Bob Marley<br />Lunix… Because i’m better than you.<br />Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.<br />Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.<br />Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.<br />Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.<br />Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.<br />Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.<br />Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.<br />Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.<br />Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.<br />Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. — Franklin D. Roosevelt<br />Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.<br />Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal<br />Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum<br />Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. — Groucho Marx<br />Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.<br />Monday is the root of all evil.<br />Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<br />Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.<br />Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.<br />Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.<br />Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughan<br />Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible. — Dale Carnegie<br />Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.<br />Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. — Robert Anthony<br />Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.<br />My drinking team has a bowling problem.<br />My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen<br />My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.<br />My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers<br />My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />Name of the greatest inventor. Accident. — Mark Twain<br />Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.<br />Never buy a car you can’t push.<br />Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.<br />Never eat yellow snow.<br />Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.<br />Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.<br />Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.<br />Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov<br />Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.<br />Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain<br />Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.<br />Never test the depth of the water with both feet.<br />Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.<br />Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.<br />Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.<br />Never was anything great achieved without danger. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy<br />Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.<br />No good deed goes unpunished.<br />No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.<br />No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to. — Lynn Johnston<br />No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.<br />No-one suspects the butterfly!<br />Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.<br />Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.<br />Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.<br />Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.<br />Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford<br />Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.<br />Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.<br />Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. — Ozzy Osbourne<br />Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.<br />Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.<br />Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.<br />Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.<br />Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.<br />Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. — Chet Atkins<br />One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. — Bob Marley<br />One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.<br />Only dead fish go with the flow.<br />Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. — Pablo Picasso<br />Only the winners decide what were war crimes.<br />Only users lose drugs.<br />Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. — Dalai Lama<br />Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.<br />Opportunities multiply as they are seized. — Sun Tzu<br />Optimist: Someone without much experience.<br />Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. — Laurence J. Peter<br />Our true nationality is mankind. — H.G. Wells<br />Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson<br />Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. — Albert Einstein<br />People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.<br />People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.<br />People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.<br />Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman<br />Politics have no relation to morals. — Niccolo Machiavelli<br />Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!<br />Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. — Warren Buffett<br />Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01<br />Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz<br />Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.<br />Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh<br />Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.<br />Quitting is leading, too. — Nelson Mandela<br />Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.<br />Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. — Joseph Addison<br />Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.<br />Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.<br />Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan<br />Rehab is for quitters.<br />Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.<br />Religion is the Opium for the masses. — Karl Marx<br />Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon<br />Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.<br />Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.<br />Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. — Oscar Levant<br />Save the whales. Collect the whole set.<br />Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.<br />Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.<br />Send lawyers, guns and money!<br />Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.<br />Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.<br />Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.<br />Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.<br />Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.<br />Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.<br />Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel<br />So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. — Dalai Lama<br />Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.<br />Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde<br />Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.<br />Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet. — Bob Marley<br />Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.<br />Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.<br />Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.<br />Spelling is a lossed art.<br />Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.<br />Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in. — Leonardo da Vinci<br />Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein<br />Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. — Orson Welles<br />Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. — Bill Gates<br />Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Abraham Lincoln<br />Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.<br />Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!<br />Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.<br />Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.<br />Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.<br />Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields<br />Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.<br />Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.<br />The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.<br />The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. — Cousin Woodman<br />The beatings will continue until morale improves.<br />The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. — Sandy Cooley<br />The best things in life aren’t things.<br />The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.<br />The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates<br />The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker<br />The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein<br />The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.<br />The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.<br />The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.<br />The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<br />The farther away the future is, the better it looks.<br />The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers<br />The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. — Maya Angelou<br />The future will be better tomorrow.<br />The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. — Bruce Lee<br />The Killer Ducks are coming!<br />The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.<br />The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.<br />The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.<br />The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.<br />The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. — Robert Bloch<br />The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.<br />The mind is everything. What you think you become. — Buddha<br />The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov<br />The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. — Ann Landers<br />The only certain thing in life is death.<br />The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.<br />The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. — Henry Ford<br />The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.<br />The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix<br />The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke<br />The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.<br />The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.<br />The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell<br />The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. — Mary Pickford<br />The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.<br />The problem with the future is it turns into the present.<br />The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde<br />The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. — Pablo Picasso<br />The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.<br />The revolution will not be televised.<br />The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.<br />The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.<br />The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.<br />The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. — Cicero<br />The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.<br />The shortest distance between two points is under construction.<br />The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.<br />The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.<br />The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.<br />The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.<br />The time is always right to do the right thing. — Martin Luther King<br />The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. — Buddha<br />The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.<br />The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.<br />The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. — John Wooden<br />The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.<br />The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!<br />The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.<br />There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.<br />There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts. — Charles Dickens<br />There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. — Franklin D. Roosevelt<br />There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />There are no facts, only interpretations. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />There are no short cuts to any place worth going.<br />There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. — Zig Ziglar<br />There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.<br />There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.<br />There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.<br />There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson<br />There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.<br />There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. — Buddha<br />There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.<br />There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.<br />There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks<br />There is no time like the pleasant.<br />There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. — Charles Dickens<br />There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart. — Charles Dickens<br />There was never a bad peace or a good war. — Benjamin Franklin<br />There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.<br />There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.<br />There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. — Kevin James<br />There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. — Mark Rasch<br />There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. — R. Buckminster Fuller<br />There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.<br />They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.<br />They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.<br />They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!<br />Think much, Speak little, Write less.<br />Think things through before you’re through thinking.<br />This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.<br />This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.<br />This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.<br />This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.<br />Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov<br />Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. — George Bernhard Shaw<br />Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin<br />Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. — Aristotle<br />Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. — Joseph Stalin<br />Thought is free. — William Shakespeare<br />Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.<br />Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. — John Lennon<br />To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra<br />To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. — Pablo Picasso<br />To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />To err is human, to arr is pirate.<br />To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.<br />To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.<br />To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.<br />To err is hunam.<br />To generalize is to be an idiot.<br />To lead the people, walk behind them. — Lao Tzu<br />To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde<br />To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.<br />To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen<br />Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.<br />Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.<br />Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!<br />Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.<br />Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.<br />Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West<br />Too much of everything is just enough.<br />Tracers work both ways.<br />True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.<br />Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away. — Elvis Presley<br />Trying is failing with honors.<br />TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright<br />Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.<br />Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.<br />Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.<br />Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. — C. S. Lewis<br />Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.<br />Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.<br />Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.<br />Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.<br />Vision without execution is just hallucination. — Henry Ford<br />Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. — Kurt Cobain<br />War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw<br />Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.<br />Wasting time is an important part of living.<br />We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.<br />We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. — Anais Nin<br />We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.<br />We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.<br />We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. — Martin Luther King<br />We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<br />Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.<br />Welcome what you can’t avoid.<br />What happens if you get scared half to death twice?<br />What has been seen cannot be unseen.<br />What if there were no hypothetical questions?<br />What one has to do usually can be done. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.<br />What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.<br />Whatever happens, ignore it all.<br />When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. — Friedrich Nietzsche<br />When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.<br />When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.<br />When blondes have more fun, do they know it?<br />When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.<br />When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.<br />When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. — Jack Handey<br />When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner<br />When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.<br />When in doubt empty the magazine.<br />When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.<br />When in doubt, mumble.<br />When in doubt, poke it with a stick.<br />When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. — Sigmund Freud<br />When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.<br />When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.<br />When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.<br />When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates<br />When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.<br />When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?<br />When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.<br />When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.<br />When you have nothing to say, say nothing.<br />When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. — Theodore Roosevelt<br />Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.<br />Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right. — Henry Ford<br />Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?<br />While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.<br />Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?<br />Whoever controls the media controls the mind. — Jim Morrison<br />Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.<br />Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?<br />Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.<br />Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?<br />Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?<br />Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?<br />Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin<br />Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think. — Lou Holtz<br />Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.<br />With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.<br />With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.<br />Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.<br />Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.<br />Work is the curse of the drinking class.<br />Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.<br />Worry is a misuse of the imagination.<br />Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.<br />XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.<br />Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx<br />Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />You always admire what you really don’t understand. — Eleanor Roosevelt<br />You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.<br />You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.<br />You can observe a lot just by watching.<br />You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West<br />You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.<br />You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. — Napoleon Bonaparte<br />You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.<br />You don’t have to explain something you never said.<br />You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.<br />You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill<br />You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same. — Jonathan Davis<br />You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin<br />You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. — Margaret Thatcher<br />You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. — Dale Carnegie<br />You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.<br />You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.<br />You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.<br />You’re never too old to learn something stupid.<br />You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.<br />You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.<br />Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. — Bill Gates<br />Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-40509948411887067072010-10-17T22:55:00.000-07:002010-10-17T22:57:07.828-07:00Guide to buying a factory unlocked iPhone 4The iPhone 4 is the hottest gadget to have. It’s also the most difficult to get. The unlocked model is also more expensive and has a higher resale value when it’s time to upgrade.<br /><br />Jailbreaking and using an unauthorized unlock is available. But future availability of these unlocks are not guaranteed. You may end up with a carrier-locked model and be stuck without an unlock for a long time.<br /><br />Before buying an iPhone 4 from unofficial sources such as eBay, craigslist or classified ads sites, make sure that it is unlocked. Here’s a way to tell if the phone is carrier locked, based on the part number written on the box:<br /><br />Locked iPhone 4 country part numbers<br /><br />Germany<br />MC603DN/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605DN/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Japan<br />MC603J/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605J/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Spain<br />MC603Y/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605Y/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />USA<br />MC608LL/A – 16GB Black<br />MC610LL/A – 32GB Black<br />MC318LL/A – 16GB Black<br />MC319LL/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Unlocked iPhone 4 country part numbers<br /><br />Australia<br />MC603X/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605X/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Canada<br />MC603C/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605C/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />France<br />MC603FB/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605FB/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Hong Kong<br />MC605ZP/A – 32GB Black<br />MC603ZP/A – 16GB Black<br /><br />Italy<br />MC603IP/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605IP/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />New Zealand<br />MC603X/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605X/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Singapore<br />MC603ZA/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605ZA/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Sweden<br />MC603KS/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605KS/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />United Kingdom<br />MC603B/A – 16GB Black<br />MC605B/A – 32GB Black<br /><br />Thanks to the following sources: TGIL, AppleI, AppAdvice. If you know of any other country part numbers, please let me know in the comments.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-45214037808115037192010-09-28T22:58:00.000-07:002010-09-28T23:05:50.053-07:00Common Wealth Games CWG 2010 - A new Beginning - Media finds work<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/TKLWzWorhZI/AAAAAAAADao/9wObBLsE20U/s1600/untitled.bmp"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 211px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/TKLWzWorhZI/AAAAAAAADao/9wObBLsE20U/s320/untitled.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5522212270847526290" /></a><br /> <br /><br />Dilli badnaam hui darling tere liye! Sadkein bhi jam hui, CWG tere liye!!<br /><br />1) BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kamadi just tried to hang himself in the CWG stadium. But the ceiling collapsed<br /><br />2) The truth behind bulk sms banning is to stop kalmadi jokes and not Ayodhya<br /><br />3) Look at the brighter side; the more countries pull out, the higher India is ranked in the final medal’s tally.<br /><br />4) Terrorists set to skip CWG 2010 citing unlivable conditions and fear for their safety.<br /><br />5) Q: How many contractors are required to change a light bulb in Delhi CWG stadium? <br />A: 1 Million. (1 to change bulb and rest 999,999 to hold the ceiling)<br /><br />6) Whats common between CWG committee and students??? <br />Ans: both start their preparations at the 11th hour..... <br /><br />7) Prince Charles is actively convincing the Queen to visit dengue hit Delhi, this may be his last chance to become the king!<br /><br />8) Thanks to Guernsey and Jersey for threatening to pull out of games! We now know these countries existed!<br /><br />9) Ek waqt aisa aayega, kalmadi bhi sharmayega<br /><br />10) A collapse a day keeps the athletes away<br /><br />11) Ba ba Kalmadi, have you any shame. No sir, No sir, we are having a Common Loot Game. Crores for my partner, crores for the dame, crores for me too, for spoiling India's name!<br /><br />12) AMAZING BUT TRUE: If you re-arrange the letters "Sir U made lakhs" you get "SURESH KALMADI”<br /><br />13) next edition of CWG will be called KWG, Kalmadi Wealth Games<br /><br />14) Photo for the last one..!<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com193tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-82187512263908786042009-06-26T00:38:00.000-07:002009-06-26T00:40:04.007-07:00Pop star Michael Jackson has died in Los Angeles, aged 50.Pop star Michael Jackson has died in Los Angeles, aged 50.<br />Paramedics were called to the singer's Beverly Hills home at about midday on Thursday after he stopped breathing.<br />He was pronounced dead two hours later at the UCLA medical centre. Jackson's brother, Jermaine, said he was believed to have suffered a cardiac arrest.<br />Jackson, who had a history of health problems, had been due to stage a series of comeback concerts in the UK, beginning on 13 July.<br />Speaking on behalf of the Jackson family, Jermaine said doctors had tried to resuscitate the star for more than an hour without success.<br />Jermaine Jackson on his brother's sudden death<br />He added: "The family request that the media please respect our privacy during this tough time."<br />"And Allah be with you Michael always. I love you."<br />TV footage showed the star's body flown from UCLA to the LA County Coroner's office where a post-mortem is expected to take place on Friday.<br />Concerns were raised last month when four of Jackson's planned comeback concerts were postponed, but organisers insisted the dates had been moved due to the complexity of staging the show.<br />A spokeswoman for The Outside Organisation, which was organising the publicity for the shows, said she had no comment at this time.<br />Broadcaster Paul Gambaccini said: "I always doubted that he would have been able to go through that schedule, those concerts. It seemed to be too much of a demand on the unhealthy body of a 50 year old.<br /><a class="lp" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/default.stm" __eventidglow512482867="128">HAVE YOUR SAY</a><br />Can't believe it. I'm gutted. RIP Michael, thanks for everything you gave us.<br />Tommy, Cardiff<br /><a class="" href="http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?forumID=6653&edition=1&ttl=20090625235613" __eventidglow512482867="127">Send us your comments</a><br />"I'm wondering that, as we find out details of his death, if perhaps the stress of preparing for those dates was a factor in his collapse.<br />"It was wishful thinking that at this stage of his life he could be Michael Jackson again."<br />Uri Geller, a close friend of the star, told BBC News it was "very, very sad".<br />Speaking outside New York's historic Apollo theatre, civil rights activist Rev Al Sharpton paid tribute to his friend.<br />"I knew him 35 years. When he had problems he would call me," he said.<br />"I feel like he was not treated fairly. I hope history will be more kind to him than some of the contemporary media."<br />Melanie Bromley, west coast bureau chief of Us Weekly magazine, told the BBC the scene in Los Angeles was one of "pandemonium".<br />"At the moment there is a period of disbelief. He was buying a home in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles and the scene outside the house is one of fans, reporters and TV cameras - it's absolute craziness.<br />"I feel this is the biggest celebrity story in a long time and has the potential to be the Princess Diana of popular culture."<br />Musical icon<br />Tributes from the world of music and film have already flooded in from celebrities including Madonna, Arnold Schwarzenegger and ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley.<br /><br /><a class="" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/8120117.stm" __eventidglow512482867="126">Jackson's contribution to music</a><br />Large numbers of fans have also gathered outside Jackson's home and at the UCLA medical centre with lit candles to mourn the star while playing his greatest hits. Facebook groups have also been set up for fans to share their memories.<br />Paramedics were called to the singer's house in Bel Air at 1221 (1921GMT) following an emergency phone call.<br />They performed CPR on Jackson and rushed him to the UCLA medical centre.<br />A spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department said the robbery and homicide team was investigating Jackson's death because of its "high profile", but there was no suggestion of foul play.<br />Jackson began his career as a child in family group The Jackson 5.<br />MICHAEL JACKSON 1958-2009<br />Full name: Michael Joseph Jackson<br />Born: August 29, 1958, Gary, Indiana, US<br />Also known as: The King of Pop, Wacko Jacko<br />Biggest hits: I Want You Back, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough, Billie Jean, Bad, Black or White, Earth Song<br /><a class="" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4612963.stm" __eventidglow512482867="125">Obituary: Remarkable talent</a><br /><a class="" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/8119974.stm" __eventidglow512482867="124">Life in pictures</a><br /><a class="" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/8120080.stm" __eventidglow512482867="123">Tributes paid to Michael Jackson</a><br />He then went on to achieve global fame as a solo artist with smash hits such as Billie Jean and Bad.<br />Thriller, released in 1982, is the biggest-selling album of all time, shifting 65m copies, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.<br />He scored seven UK number ones as a solo artist and won a total of 13 Grammy awards.<br />"For Michael to be taken away from us so suddenly at such a young age, I just don't have the words," said Quincy Jones, who produced Thriller, Bad and Off The Wall.<br />"He was the consummate entertainer and his contributions and legacy will be felt upon the world forever. I've lost my little brother today, and part of my soul has gone with him."<br />The singer had been dogged by controversy and money trouble in recent years, becoming a virtual recluse.<br />Michael Jackson's body is delivered by helicopter for a post mortem report<br />He was arrested in 2003 on charges of molesting a 14-year-old boy, but was found not guilty following a five-month trial.<br />The star had three children, Michael Joseph Jackson Jr, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince Michael Jackson II.<br />He is survived by his mother, Katherine, father, Joseph and eight siblings - including Janet, Randy, Jermaine and La Toya Jackson<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-45263348643103053752009-03-03T19:48:00.000-08:002009-03-03T20:13:14.505-08:00WORLD'S BeSt OnE LiNeR's<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/Sa3-BcWCOaI/AAAAAAAAC_Y/xHgVHOJpRiw/s1600-h/sketch1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309178836481620386" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 182px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/Sa3-BcWCOaI/AAAAAAAAC_Y/xHgVHOJpRiw/s320/sketch1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><ul><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.</span></strong></li><li><strong></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not one to judge.</span></strong></li></ul><ul><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!</span></strong></li><li><strong></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you.</span></strong></li></ul><ul><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to...But be respected, that is essential. (Anna Gould)</span></strong></li><li><strong></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for.</span></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)</span></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Be careful of the words you say.And keep them soft and sweet.For you never know from day to day.Which ones you'll have to eat.</span></strong></li><br /><li><strong><span style="font-family:lucida grande;">Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.</span></strong></li><br /><li>Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.</li><br /><li>One good turn gets most of the blankets.</li><br /><li>There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.</li><br /><li>Life is sexually transmitted.</li><br /><li>An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.</li><br /><li>If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who<br />said "Quit while you're ahead"?</li><br /><li>ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.</li><br /><li>Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was<br />H20 Was H2SO4.</li><br /><li>A closed mouth gathers no feet.</li><br /><li>Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.</li><br /><li>It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.</li><br /><li>Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better<br />lawyer.</li><br /><li>Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.</li><br /><li>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.</li><br /><li>Extraordinary: it is the "extra" that make us more than ordinary.</li><br /><li>Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. (Aldous Huxley)</li><br /><li>Failure comes in two ways:Those who do it without giving a thought.Those who thought about it but do nothing.</li><br /><li>Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities. (Napolean Hill)</li><br /><li>Failure is no more fatal than success is permanent.</li><br /><li>Failure is opportunity in disguise.</li><br /><li>Failure is the only opportunity to begin more intelligently. (Henry Ford)</li></ul><br /><br /><p>Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. </p><br /><br /><p>Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. </p><br /><br /><p>Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.</p><br /><br /><p>Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.</p><br /><br /><p>To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.</p><br /><br /><p>To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.</p><br /><br /><p>Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.</p><br /><br /><p>Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. </p><br /><br /><p>Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. </p><br /><br /><p>We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? </p><br /><br /><p>We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.</p><br /><br /><p>Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!</p><br /><br /><p>What happens if you get scared half to death twice? </p><br /><br /><p>What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?</p><br /><br /><p>What's the speed of dark? </p><br /><br /><p>Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?<br /><br />Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!<br /><br />How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!<br /><br />***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!<br /><br />Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H<br /><br />FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.<br /><br />Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.<br /><br />Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!<br /><br />Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person - Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!<br /><br />I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!<br /><br />Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!<br /><br />HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?<br /><br />This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you<br /><br />Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?<br />A: There is a stamp on it.<br /><br />A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone<br /><br />Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!<br /><br />I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!<br /><br />Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.<br /><br />Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.<br /><br />Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.<br /><br />I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.<br /><br />How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.<br /><br />Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...<br /><br />U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)<br /><br />I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!<br /><br />On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.<br /><br />The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.<br /><br />Nope.....u still ugly!<br /><br />Text Message Jokes </p><p><br />Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.<br /><br />What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.<br /><br />Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'<br /><br />Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.<br /><br />I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.<br /><br />How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support herHow to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.<br /><br />How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!<br /><br />It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.<br /><br />Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!<br /><br /><br /><br />I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!<br /><br /><br />Text Messaging Jokes<br />You are here: X<br /><br />Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.<br /><br />In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.<br /><br />Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?<br /><br />Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!<br /><br />Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.<br /><br />Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?<br />A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.<br /><br />What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.<br /><br />Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?<br /><br />Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'<br /><br />Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick" Boss asks: "How sick are u?"Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"<br /><br />Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!<br /><br />Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!<br /><br />I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!<br /><br />Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!<br /><br />When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....<br /><br />U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!<br /><br />Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.<br /><br />Sorry, I don't date outside my species.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>One Liners Jokes </strong></p><p><br />Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.<br /><br />I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?<br />If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.<br /><br />I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.<br /><br />The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.<br /><br />There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.<br /><br />Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.<br /><br />You may be recognized soon. Hide.<br /><br />Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.<br /><br />He who laughs last thinks slowest.<br /><br />Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.<br /><br />I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.<br /><br />Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???<br /><br />Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.<br /><br />If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<br /><br />You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Funny one liners</strong> </p><p><br />My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch<br /><br />If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me<br /><br />Mind intentionally left blank...<br /><br />I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem<br /><br />Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.<br /><br />Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.<br /><br />If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.<br /><br />Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.<br /><br />If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?<br /><br />The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.<br /><br />It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.<br /><br />Born Free........Taxed to Death.<br /><br />We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found<br /><br />I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.<br /><br />Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.<br /><br />My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.<br /><br />Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...<br /><br />Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.<br /><br />What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'<br /><br />Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river</p>____________________________________________________<br /><br /><p>If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience. </p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.</p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.</p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.</p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.</p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.</p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. </p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong. </p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.</p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.</p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.</p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.</p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. </p><br /><br /><p>.......</p><br /><br /><p>When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. </p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. </p><br /><br /><p>....... </p><br /><br /><p>They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance. </p><br /><br /><p>I have made my decision, m here to help people make theirs</p><br /><br /><p>when u are left withno option the best thing is to do nothing.</p><br /><br /><p>BEST ONE LINERS____AWARDED @ d hOSKAR"S</p><br /><br /><p>1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. </p><br /><br /><p>2. A friend in need is a pest indeed. </p><br /><br /><p>3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. </p><br /><br /><p>4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.</p><br /><br /><p>5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.</p><br /><br /><p>6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..</p><br /><br /><p>7. Born free, taxed to death.</p><br /><br /><p>8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.</p><br /><br /><p>9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.</p><br /><br /><p>10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. </p><br /><br /><p>11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. </p><br /><br /><p>12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. </p><br /><br /><p>13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.</p><br /><br /><p>14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.</p><br /><br /><p>15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.</p><br /><br /><p>16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. </p><br /><br /><p>17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?</p><br /><br /><p>18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? </p><br /><br /><p>19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! </p><br /><br /><p>20. If you can't convince them, confuse them. </p><br /><br /><p>21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. </p><br /><br /><p>22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder! </p><br /><br /><p>23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Bur nt Fingers </p><br /><br /><p>24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. </p><br /><br /><p>25. Someday is not a day of the week </p><br /><br /><p>26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. </p><br /><br /><p>27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy. </p><br /><br /><p>28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.</p><br /><br /><p>29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. </p><br /><br /><p>30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. </p><br /><br /><p>And all-time favorite ...</p><br /><br /><p><strong>31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else. </strong></p><p><strong></strong> </p><p><strong>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++</strong></p><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">43% of all statistics are worthless.<br />Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with<br />A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book.Ah, Paradise!<br />A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.<br /></span><a name="OLE_LINK4"><span style="font-size:130%;">A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.</span></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">A bad plan is better than no plan.<br />A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.<br />A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.<br />A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.<br />A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.<br />Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.<br />Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.<br />After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.<br />All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.<br />All in favour of Viagra please rise!<br />All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.<br />Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.<br />Always try to be modest and be proud of it!<br />Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.<br />As I said before, I never repeat myself.<br />As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.<br />Be naughty - save Santa the trip.<br />Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.<br />Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.<br />Change is inevitable except from vending machines.<br />Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.<br />Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular<br />Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.<br />Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.<br />Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich<br />Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?<br />Don't believe everything you think </span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.<br />Earth first! (we'll strip-mine the other planets later).<br />Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.<br />Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.<br />Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.<br />Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.<br />Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!<br />Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.<br />Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.<br />Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.<br />Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.<br />God is real, unless declared integer<br />God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.<br />Here I am! What are your other two wishes?<br />How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.<br />I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.<br />I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow is not looking good either.<br />I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.<br />I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.<br />I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you </span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol </span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.<br />I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.<br />I intend to live forever - so far so good.<br />I like work. It fascinates me.I can sit and look at it for hours.<br />I looked up my wife's family tree.Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.<br />I love being married.It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.<br />I love deadlines.I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.<br />I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.<br />I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.<br />I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"<br />I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.<br />I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.<br />If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.<!--[endif]--><br />If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<br />If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.<br />If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.<!--[endif]--><br />If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.<br />If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.<br />If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.<br />If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.<br />If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.<br />If you are going through hell, keep going.<br />If you cannot convince them, confuse them.<br />It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.<br />It's men like you that make women gay.<br />Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.<br />Life exists for no known purpose.<br />Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.<br />LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge<br />Lord, save me from your followers.<br />Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.<br />My husband and I divorced over religious differences.<br />He thought he was God and I didn't.<br />My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.<!--[endif]--><br />Needing someone is like needing a parachute.<br />If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.<br />Never try to teach a pig to sing.<br />It wastes your time and annoys the pig.<br />Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.<br />Originality is the art of concealing your sources.<br />Politicians & diapers both need to be changed often,and for the same reason!<br />Research causes cancer in rats.<br />Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.<br />Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.<br />Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.<br />Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.<br />Strangers have the best candy!<br />Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.<br />Schizophrenia beats being alone.<br />Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.<br />They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.<br />Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.<br />The shortest distance between two points is under construction.<br />The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.<br />The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.<br />There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.<br />Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.<br />The gene pool could use a little chlorine<br />The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.<br />The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.<br />The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.<br />There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side </span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.<br />To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.<br />Wasting time is an important part of living.<br />We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.<br />When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.<br />When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.<br />You're the reason God created the middle finger </span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.<br />You are so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!<br />You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.</span></li></ul><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-19405171187801871322009-01-21T00:59:00.001-08:002009-01-21T00:59:56.378-08:00 Name Acronym<div align=center>
<br /><object width="300" height="250" id="GoQuizAcronym">
<br /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="sameDomain" />
<br /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="false" />
<br /><param name="movie" value="http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.swf?thename=Mudit&thenumbers=8%2E2%2E0%2E1%2E2%2E"/>
<br /><embed src="http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.swf?thename=Mudit&thenumbers=8%2E2%2E0%2E1%2E2%2E" width="300" height="250" name="GoQuizAcronym" allowScriptAccess="sameDomain" />
<br /></embed>
<br /></object>
<br /><BR />
<br /><a href="http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php" target="_new">Get Your Name Acronym</a><BR />From <a href="http://www.go-quiz.com" target="_new">Go-Quiz</a></div>
<br /><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bHQ9MTIzMjUyNzg2Mjc4NiZwdD*xMjMyNTI4MzkyMDI4JnA9Mzc5MzQxJmQ9R29RdWl6KyUyRCtBY3JvbnltJm49YmxvZ2dlciZnPTEmdD*mbz*xYjkyMmFiZDE*ZTc*Mzc5YmQ*NWQwMDMzMTU2ODFlZg==.gif" /><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-26968484749993456312008-11-12T21:15:00.000-08:002008-11-12T21:19:07.600-08:00Change Text on XP Start Button<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/SRu4s_snvXI/AAAAAAAABhk/UCLo1aE39Xo/s1600-h/image002.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5268007272292269426" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 186px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YkY1VousGcw/SRu4s_snvXI/AAAAAAAABhk/UCLo1aE39Xo/s320/image002.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong><span style="font-family:georgia;">Change Text on XP Start Button -</span></strong> </div><br /><div>Windows XP Home and Professional VersionsVery Important - </div><br /><div>See notes at end of article before using this procedure !Contains SP2 and Ad-aware Cautions<br /></div><br /><div>This is the original "Change Text on XP Start Button" page published back in 2002. There are some issues with this procedure that have been addressed and corrected in a new tutorial that is located at "<a href="http://www.theeldergeek.com/change_text_on_xp_start_button1.htm">Change Text on XP Start Button - Version II</a>". </div><br /><div>I've left this page intact as a reference, but if you are going to make the changes, use the "<a href="http://www.theeldergeek.com/change_text_on_xp_start_button1.htm">Change Text on XP Start Button - Version II</a>" and not the procedure listed below.<br /></div><br /><div>. ---<br />Note: A number of users have written to say that when the text on the Start Button is changed, the Search function from the Start Button (right click) context menu ceases to function. That's true, it does, and if I ever used that particular function I'd have been aware of the problem. I don't use it, so I wasn't aware, but now you've been warned. As far as I know there are no other caveats associated with the modification.</div><br /><div><br />I’ve read a number of articles on the internet about changing the text on the Start button in XP. On more than one occasion I’ve seen references to a five (5) letter limitation when the button is renamed. I always wondered if this was true or just an assumption someone made because the default ‘start’ just happened to fit the button size. So, I decided to run a test and see if there really was a five character limit.<br /><br />As you can see from the screen capture above it would seem that the five character limit isn’t etched in stone. The button expanded to accept the text I entered with no problem. I’ve been using the system for a few weeks now with no adverse effects. That’s not to say I won’t discover something down the road a bit, but for now I feel comfortable with the changes. If you’d like to try the procedure I used, the instructions follow.</div><br /><div><br />Step 1 – Modify Explorer.exe File<br />In order to make the changes, the file explorer.exe located at C:\Windows needs to be edited. Since explorer.exe is a binary file it requires a special editor. For purposes of this article I have used Resource Hacker. Resource HackerTM is a freeware utility to view, modify, rename, add, delete and extract resources in 32bit <a class="iAs" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal! important; FONT-SIZE: 100%! important; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1px! important; COLOR: darkgreen! important; BORDER-BOTTOM: darkgreen 0.07em solid; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent! important; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" href="http://www.theeldergeek.com/change_text_on_xp_start_button.htm#" target="_blank" itxtdid="2181240">Windows</a> executables and resource files (*.res). It incorporates an internal resource script compiler and decompiler and works on Win95, Win98, WinME, WinNT, Win2000 and WinXP operating systems. Navigate <a style="COLOR: blue; TEXT-DECORATION: underline; text-underline: single" href="http://www.users.on.net/johnson/resourcehacker/">here</a> to download Resource Hacker.<br />The first step is to make a backup copy of the file explorer.exe located at C:\Windows\explorer. Place it in a folder somewhere on your <a class="iAs" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal! important; FONT-SIZE: 100%! important; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1px! important; COLOR: darkgreen! important; BORDER-BOTTOM: darkgreen 0.07em solid; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent! important; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" href="http://www.theeldergeek.com/change_text_on_xp_start_button.htm#" target="_blank" itxtdid="2181196">hard drive</a> where it will be safe. Start Resource Hacker and open explorer.exe located at C:\Windows\explorer.exe as shown in Fig. 01.<br />Fig. 01</div><br /><div><br />The category we are going to be using is String Table. Expand it by clicking the plus sign then navigate down to and expand string 37 followed by highlighting 1033. If you are using the Classic Layout rather than the XP Layout, use number 38. The right hand pane will display the stringtable as shown in Fig. 02. We’re going to modify item 578, currently showing the word “start” just as it displays on the current Start button.<br />Fig. 02<br />There is no magic here. Just double click on the word “start” so that it’s highlighted, making sure the quotation marks are not part of the highlight. They need to remain in place, surrounding the new text that you’ll type. Go ahead and type your new entry. In my case I used ElderGeek as shown in Fig. 03.<br />Fig. 03<br />Compare the screen captures in Fig. 02 and Fig. 03 and you’ll notice that after the new text string has been entered the Compile Script button that was grayed out in Fig. 02 is now active in Fig. 03. I won’t get into what’s involved in compiling a script, but suffice it to say it’s going to make this exercise worthwhile. Click Compile Script and then save the altered file using the Save As command on the File Menu. Do not use the Save command – Make sure to use the Save As command and choose a name for the file. See Fig. 04. Save the newly named file to C:\Windows.<br />Fig. 04<br />Step 2 – Modify the Registry<br />Now that the modified explorer.exe has been created it’s necessary to modify the registry so the file will be recognized when the user logs on to the system. If you don’t know how to access the registry I’m not sure this article is for you, but just in case it’s a temporary memory lapse, go to Start (soon to be something else) Run and type regedit in the Open: field. Navigate to:<br />HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\ SOFTWARE\ <a class="iAs" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal! important; FONT-SIZE: 100%! important; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1px! important; COLOR: darkgreen! important; BORDER-BOTTOM: darkgreen 0.07em solid; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent! important; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" href="http://www.theeldergeek.com/change_text_on_xp_start_button.htm#" target="_blank" itxtdid="2181279">Microsoft</a>\ Windows NT\ CurrentVersion\ Winlogon<br />Fig. 05<br />In the right pane (Fig. 05), double click the Shell entry to open the Edit String dialog box as shown in Fig. 06. In Value data: line, enter the name that was used to save the modified explorer.exe file. Click OK.<br />Fig. 06<br />Close Registry Editor and either log off the system and log back in, or reboot the entire system if that’s your preference. If all went as planned you should see your new Start button with the revised text. </div><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-2402681280527395552008-10-08T00:30:00.000-07:002008-10-08T00:30:05.492-07:00Conversion Tool<a href="http://www.parthplastic.com/thkcal.htm">Conversion Tool</a><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-28155565550027879442008-02-01T10:27:00.000-08:002008-02-01T10:33:41.288-08:00How To Disable 'Autorun.Inf' To Prevent Virus Attack Computer.How To Disable 'Autorun.Inf' To Prevent Virus Attack Computer. <br />Recently there are many case reported that 'autorun' virus spread through so many computer due to using flash memory or pendrive,so we need a preventive action to stop this virus spread to our computer. <br /><br />As we insert a pendrive to computer,window will scan and check is there have 'autorun.inf' file and then write into 'mountpoint2' registry,'mountpoint2' will amend the act to open a disk or pop up menu.Although you already set up ' disable auto play' ,use right click or use 'explore' to open disk,the result still will run 'virus .exe'.<br /><br /><br />Therefore,we need to banned the 'mountpoint2' registry area,the method as below,<br /><br />1.START ->RUN ->Key in 'regedit' to open registry. <br /><br />2. HKEY_CURRENT_USER\ Software\Microsoft\ Windows\CurrentVersion \Explorer\MountPoints2, <br /><br />3.Right click 'mountpoints2' and select 'permission' <br /><br />4.Then click 'Advance',uncheck 'inherit from parent the permission entires that apply to child objects.Include these with entires explicity defined here'. <br /><br />5.Click 'remove'.'Yes' and 'ok'. <br /><br />Now,even you insert a pendrive with virus and your computer couldn't affected.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com78tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-21099722182917330182007-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:002007-12-01T10:08:22.693-08:00Make a conference call via Google Talk<a title="Permanent Link: Make a conference call via Google Talk" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/2005/08/27/make-a-conference-call-via-google-talk/" rel="bookmark">Make a conference call via Google Talk</a><br />Submitted on August 27th, 2005 by Martin FerrettiFiled under <a title="View all posts in Networking" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/category/networking/" rel="category tag">Networking</a> and <a title="View all posts in Windows" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/category/windows/" rel="category tag">Windows</a> and <a title="View all posts in Audio" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/category/audio/" rel="category tag">Audio</a> and <a title="View all posts in Tips, Tricks & Hacks" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/category/tricks/" rel="category tag">Tips, Tricks & Hacks</a> and <a title="View all posts in Software" href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/category/software/" rel="category tag">Software</a><br />Those of you who’ve tried out <a href="http://www.google.com/talk">Google Talk</a> know that you can make voice calls with the application. Unfortunately, you can’t make conference calls, one of the complaints about the new application, or can you? Here’s a quick tip (ok, more like a hack) which will let you make conference calls using <a href="http://www.google.com/talk">Google Talk</a>.<br />I cannot stress enough how much of a hack this is, so if you don’t want to bother doing some work, don’t try it as I’m sure Google will add this feature later on. <a href="http://www.google.com/talk">Google Talk</a> allows the use of <a href="http://www.tipmonkies.com/2005/08/25/google-talk-hacks">various parameters</a>, one of them being /nomutex which allows running multiple instances of the application. We’ll exploit this to create our conference chain.<br />Open an instance of Google Talk.<br />Now browse to the Google Talk directory (C:\Program Files\Google\Google Talk) and create a shortcut for the application. Right-click the shortcut and in the properties change the target to C:\Program Files\Google\Google Talk\googletalk.exe /nomutex then run this shortcut.<br />Get your buddies to open two instances of Google Talk, each (yes, with the /nomutex parameter as well).<br />Now you’ll need to form a chain: person one calls person two, person two calls person three, person three calls person one, and so on. Yeah, not very pretty.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-52095992660061885702007-11-27T02:11:00.000-08:002007-11-27T02:12:52.166-08:00Registry Editing Has Been Disabled By Your Administrator<a title="Registry Editing Has Been Disabled By Your Administrator" href="http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/07/02/registry-editing-has-been-disabled-by-your-administrator/" rel="bookmark">Registry Editing Has Been Disabled By Your Administrator</a><br />Posted on July 2, 2007 by maddy<br />Today a friend of mine asked that his registry editor had been disabled accidently and now how should he enable it back again. Here are two ways to enable the registry editing in Windows.<a href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/windowslivewriterregistryeditinghasbeendisabledbyyouradmi-ee6cregeditdisable2.jpg"></a><br />1- From Group Policy Editor<br />Go to Run –> gpedit.mscIn the left hand menu, go to User Config –> Administrative Templated –> System.Now In the right hand pane, select “Prevent access to registry editing tools”. It will probably be not configured or enabled. If it’s enabled, disable it and if it’s not configured, first enable it, apply settings and then disable it. Most probably the settings have been applied instantly. If not, then run gpupdate in command prompt to apply the group policies.<br /><a href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/windowslivewriterregistryeditinghasbeendisabledbyyouradmi-ee6cgpeditregedittools1.jpg"></a><br />2- From the Run Menu<br />I got this tweak while surfing the internet. Go to Start –> Run, copy and paste the follow in the Run box and press OK.<br />REG add HKCU\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\System /v DisableRegistryTools /t REG_DWORD /d 0 /f<br />The effects are usually instant. If not then you should see the results after restarting your computer.<br />Please tell us your experiences on this tweak.<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-5418328895870079582007-11-27T02:09:00.000-08:002007-11-27T02:10:32.130-08:00Show Hidden Files and Folders not working?<a title="Show Hidden Files and Folders not working?" href="http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/05/13/show-hidden-files-and-folders-not-working/" rel="bookmark">Show Hidden Files and Folders not working?</a><br />Posted on May 13, 2007 by maddy<br />A few days back, a client came to me and told me that he was having trouble with his Windows XP. The show hidden files and folders was not working at all. If he selected the radio button “Show hidden files and folders”, and then press Ok .. the changes would just disappear upon opening the dialog again. It was probably some virus attack after which the Windows registry was not being updated properly. So here is what I did to restore it back.<br />Go to registry editor by running regedit in the run box.Go to this key:HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\AdvancedIn the right hand area, double click hidden and change the value to 1.<br />Now you’re all set to go. Check it in your tools menu if the changes have taken effect. Mine have already been fixed :-). Please spare a few moments from your precious time and tell us about your experiences<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-25174070410582870202007-11-27T02:06:00.000-08:002007-11-27T02:09:25.174-08:00Ravmon Virus Killer Patch<p><a title="Ravmon Virus Killer Patch" href="http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/06/06/ravmon-virus-killer/" rel="bookmark">Ravmon Virus Killer Patch</a><br />Posted on June 6, 2007 by mudit<br />How does the Ravmon Virus affects your PC?<br />When you Open any drive in My Computer by right clicking, the Context menu will have a chinese like language & when you click on this language on context menu, the drive will not open but the Open With dialouge will ask you to “Choose the program you want to use to open this file:”. Also by double clicking any drive same thing happens.<br />Context Menu and OpenWith Dialogue will look like this.<br /><a title="r2.jpg" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/r2.jpg"></a> <a title="12.jpg" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/12.jpg"></a><br />The Ravmon virus does also corrupt your Folder Options. So when you open Folder Options and try to check “Show hidden files and folders” and click ok. My Computer will not show hidden files, also “Hide protected operating system files (Recommended)” option will not be working.<br />Folder Options Dailogue</p><p>removal tool available at:::: <a href="http://www.od3n.net/download/">http://www.od3n.net/download/</a></p><p><a href="http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/06/06/ravmon-virus-killer/">http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/06/06/ravmon-virus-killer/</a></p><p>refer for more details.....</p><p> </p><p>best regards,</p><p> </p><p>mudit lawania<br /><a title="131.jpg" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/131.jpg"></a><br />Error launching Task Manager, Registry Editor and Command prompt which is also solved by this tool<br /><a title="taskmanager-error-thumb2.gif" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/taskmanager-error-thumb2.gif"></a><br /><a title="regedit.jpg" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/regedit.jpg"></a><br /><a title="cmd.jpg" href="http://technodigits.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/cmd.jpg"></a><br />How Does the Ravmon Virus Spread?<br />Ravmon Virus mostly spreads from USB Flash drives. So to prevent this virus from breaking into your pc you must start an Anti-Virus before plugining a Flash drive into your pc.<br />For Removing Ravmon virus and its effects I have created a tool. Just download it, run it and Restart your computer.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-20096492637992485872007-11-27T02:01:00.000-08:002007-11-27T02:06:31.156-08:00Folder Options missing in Windows XP<a title="Folder Options missing in Windows XP" href="http://technodigits.wordpress.com/2007/05/05/folder-options-missing-in-windows-xp/" rel="bookmark">Folder Options missing in Windows XP</a><br />Posted on May 5, 2007 by maddy<br /><br />After a virus attack in one of my client machines, the folder options from the windows explorer was missing and we were unable to show all the files including the hidden ones. So here’s what I did to restore it back:<br />Go to Run –>gpedit.mscUser Configuration –> Administrative Templates –> Windows Components –> Windows ExplorerEnable and then Disable “Removes Folder Options menu from Tools menu“Close all windows explorer windows and then open again.. most probably your folder options is back<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-8816451387215236142007-11-18T13:08:00.000-08:002007-11-18T13:10:36.979-08:00YAHOO MESSENGER VIRUS ATTACKIt is one of the most powerful Trojan /virus I have ever seen.. If your <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink3" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,3);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,3);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,3);" href="http://forums.sureshkumar.net/#" target="_top">computer</a> is infected with this virus " It will sends the nsl-school.org url to all of your friend list in yahoo messenger using your ID . So with in few hours many of your friends will get infected with it. I don't know the actual target of the idiot who created it. May be to advertise his site or to steal very imp data from your computer. I resolved the problem manually from 2 infected PC's. Just go through the below steps carefully.What are those links ?:Nsl-school.org or other (Do not open this url in your browser). If you are infected with it what is going to happen ?1: It sets your default IE page to nsl-school.org, you can’t even change it back to other page. If you open IE from your comp some malicious code will automatically executed into your computer.2: It will disables the Task manager / reg edit. So you can’t kill the Trojan process anymore.3: Files that are gonaa installed by this virus are svhost.exe , svhost32.exe , internat.exe.you can find these files in windows/ & temp/ directories.4: It will sends the secured & protected information to attacker How to remove this manually from your computer ?1: Close the IE browser. Log out messenger / Remove Internet Cable.2: To enable Regedit Click Start, Run and type this command exactly as given below: (better - Copy and paste)REG add HKCU\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\System /v DisableRegistryTools /t REG_DWORD /d 0 /f3: To enable task manager : (To kill the process we need to enable task manager)Click Start, Run and type this command exactly as given below: (better - Copy and paste)REG add HKCU\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\System /v DisableTaskMgr /t REG_DWORD /d 0 /f 4: Now we need to change the default page of IE though regedit.Start>Run>Regedit From the below locations in Regedit chage your default home page to <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink4" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,4);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,4);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,4);" href="http://forums.sureshkumar.net/#" target="_top">google</a>.com or other.HKEY_CURRENT_USER\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\MainHKEY_ LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\MainHKEY_USERS\Default\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\MainJust replace the attacker site with google.com or set it to blank page.5: Now we need to kill the process from back end. Press Ctrl + Alt + Del Kill the process svhost32.exe . ( may be more than one process is running.. check properly)6: Delete svhost32.exe , svhost.exe files from Windows/ & temp/ directories. Or just search for svhost in your comp.. delete those files.7: Go to regedit search for svhost and delete all the results you get.Start menu > Run > Regedit > 8: Restart the computer. That’s it now you are virus free. I don’t know whether any removal patch that works for this Trojan/virus. But we can easily delete it manually<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-89131627137084177022007-11-18T12:53:00.000-08:002007-11-18T12:55:02.850-08:00YAHOO MESSENGER LOGIN TO MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS AT THE SAME TIME<a href="http://www.topblogarea.com/out.php?site=11705&article=620289" target="_blank" rel="external">Yahoo Messenger multiple login</a><br />2007-08-28 07:30:00<br />Simply close your messenger if it is On and then follow the following steps :1. Go to Start --> Run . Type regedit, then enter.2. Navigate to HKEY_CURRENT_ USER --> Software -->yahoo -->pager-->Test3. On the right page , right-click and choose new Dword value .4. Rename it as Plural.5. Double click and assign a decimal value of 1.Wow you finished it.Simply start the messenger and login your account.once you sign in.again click on the Yahoo messenger (From wherever you have started it last time)Voila !!it gives you another chance to login though you are logged in your first account.this way you can now log into multiple yahoo accounts.Enjoy!!!Thank you.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.topblogarea.com/out.php?site=4598&article=634418" target="_blank" rel="external">Trick To Multiple Login In Yahoo Messenger</a><br />2007-09-01 04:00:50<br />Are you one of those who like to manage and have more than one email address for their IMs. Well, if you are then, this topic is going to help all the Yahoo! Messenger addicts who like to manage more than one account at a time in Yahoo! Messenger. This trick will enable you to use more than one account in Yahoo! Messenger. It’s really very simple to do. A small registry hack is needed to do it. Remember: Back up your registry before making any changes to it. Now we’ll move on to the main trick. Make sure your Yahoo! Messenger is not running. If it is, then close it. Now, open your Registry Editor (Run > type regedit) and navigate to: HKEY_CURRENT_USERSoftwareyahoopagerTest There, in the right-pane, right-click anywhere and select New > DWORD Value. Name the entry as “Plural” (of course, without the quotes). Double-click the newly made entry (Plural), and assign it a value 1. That’s it! Your Yahoo! Messenger has successfully been turned into Multi<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-58599639238052840252007-10-24T06:38:00.000-07:002007-10-24T06:41:00.585-07:00bharatstudent.com the BIGGEST SPAMMER« <a href="http://liveinforum.com/blog/?p=14">Are we open minded?</a><br /><a href="http://liveinforum.com/blog/?p=16">Comparison - the human basic nature!</a> »<br /><a title="Permanent Link: Bharatstudent.com - the biggest SPAM?" href="http://liveinforum.com/blog/?p=15" rel="bookmark">Bharatstudent.com - the biggest SPAM?</a><br />I’m not sure if you have heard of yet another social networking site Bharatstudent.com . May the following figures enlighten you about it a bit.<br />Company Info: [As per whois of domain]<br />Axill Europe Ltd<br />Quay House, 2 Admirals Way, Marsh WallLondon , E149XG, UK<br />Phone: 44(0)20 7190 3353 fax: 44(0)20 7190 3338avilash@axilleurope.com<br />Worldwide Ranking: 2251<br />[Source: <a href="http://www.alexa.com/data/details/main?q=&url=bharatstudent.com">http://www.alexa.com/data/details/main?q=&url=bharatstudent.com</a> ]<br />India Rank: 34<br />[Source: <a href="http://www.alexa.com/site/ds/top_sites?cc=IN&ts_mode=country〈=none">http://www.alexa.com/site/ds/top_sites?cc=IN&ts_mode=country〈=none</a> ]<br />At Launch : Priyanka Chopra [Youtube Video source: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49FucM-Xwoo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49FucM-Xwoo</a> ] At Taj.<br />So from above figures you can make out that it is a rocking site, having quite huge traffic. Now ever wondered how they probably be doing marketing of the site? Can you believe if I tell you that Bharatstudent.com is one of the BIGGEST SPAMMERS? Well, the below research of mine might help you understand this.<br />If you’re a member at Orkut.com, login there and go to any category [mostly sex, relationship related category], there you will observe some posts like below:<br />——————————————————————————————<br /><a href="http://www.orkut.com/CommMsgs.aspx?cmm=19731312&tid=2540851540137515408&start=1">Hot Video of Nude Actress Ravina Tempting for Sex</a><a href="http://www.orkut.com/CommMsgPost.aspx?cmm=19731312&tid=2540851540137515408&start=1"> </a><br />1<br />6/30/07<br />——————————————————————————————<br />Open any of the post from above, and you will see message something like below:<br />——————————————————————————————<br />“Hot Video of Nude Actress Ravina Tempting for SexHI Friends….,Amaging Hot Video of Nude Actress Ravina Tempting for Sex With * Star in Hotel Room …Don’t Miss This Is A Real Spy Video Ever Seen…..Here is the Link :: ravins.notlong.com (Copy and paste the Link in Browser)Just Sign up It Takes 1 min and watch the video. There r so many Hot Videos. Its FreeWarning: Below 18yrs Don’t See ”<br />——————————————————————————————<br />which obviously is posted by some girl name, which is a fake profile created only for the purpose of spamming. Now, open the above link ravins.notlong.com and see which page you reach. Yes, you will be taken to some page of www.bharatstudent.com<br />Now, can you guess the amount of posting of such messages in various orkut communities? Well, they do start it right from morning say 09:00 a.m. (or early) and it goes on still evening 08:30 p.m. [Well, so far I have noticed this time as I leave my office at 08:30, so they may be posting then after too, but hasn’t checked it].<br />And the interesting part is, they are using all the abused words like “Sania Mirza MMS”, “Girl Repped in Apartment”, “Nude Clips of College Girls”. See the below subjects of their posts at orkut which I have taken from a community named “Want Sex” [ <a href="http://www.orkut.com/CommTopics.aspx?cmm=19731312">http://www.orkut.com/CommTopics.aspx?cmm=19731312</a> ]<br />——————————————————————————————<br /><a href="http://www.orkut.com/CommMsgs.aspx?cmm=19731312&tid=2540849957435772114">10th student press a mteacher boobs in bus</a><a href="http://www.orkut.com/CommMsgPost.aspx?cmm=19731312&tid=2540849957435772114"> [Reply]</a><br /><a href="http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=2109381355433539245">rithi</a><a href="http://www.orkut.com/FriendAdd.aspx?uid=2109381355433539245">[F]</a><br />1<br />6/30/07<br />4:21 PM<br />——————————————————————————————<br />And you can see that all the fake profile names are of female. So now just wonder that having Orkut lacks of visitors a day, how many visitors Bharatstudent.com be having by such HUGE SPAMMING? I think, more than 10000 at least, if not more.<br />They are using Short URL service of website www.notlong.com, which gives a short URL for the long URL, so what they are doing is, they are getting such short URL as “yourname.notlong.com” for their long URL of Bharatstudent.com<br />What my question is, is that worthy enough for such a website to do this kind of spamming? And how come Orkut hasn’t noticed it? Why Orkut hasn’t taken any steps against them so far? This is insane spamming, I must say. I mean, anytime of the day, in any community what all you find is such crap messages of Bharatstudent.com That is truly a pathetic way of fetching visitors to own website.<br />But still, there may be another possibility behind this huge spamming. Bharatstudent.com pays you for the number of Impressions you generate to their site. So perhaps, some other guys be dong such huge spamming to earn with Bharatstudent.com but this is not what I can believe, because it’s a tough job and no one would do this much of work to earn few dollars a day. But who knows, earth is full of beggars so some people in group might be doing this.<br />And secondly, what feeling I have is, they’re using some ‘ready-made’ software for Spamming, that they put a common message in that software and it gets posted in all the communities they have joined with that particular fake profile. And it has got more chances, because those who are doing such huge spamming, can not be small guys, they can do it all what it takes to do such huge spamming.<br />So far, I have observed such spamming of Bharatstudent.com only at Orkut, hasn’t seen it anywhere else, so cant’ say in that way, but this is truly insane. I mean, if some spammers do such things, we can understand that, but a popular site like Bharatstudent.com can do it, it is just insane.<br />Well, here I’m not saying that it’s Bharatstudent.com who is after such spamming, there may be those guys too who want to earn with it, so here we got two possibilities, either 1. Bharatstudent.com themselves or 2. Those guys who want to earn with Bharatstudent.com, but in both ways, it’s Bharatstudent.com who loses their credibility by Spamming making use of all those porn, sexual, abusive words.<br />I mean, they have the symbol of Taj Mahal on their homepage, and spamming is done<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-22230954795962423282007-10-11T13:31:00.000-07:002007-10-11T21:08:47.053-07:00LISTEN TO FM RADIO ONLINEListen FM free online using GTalk<br />September 23, 2007 in <a title="View all posts in GoogleTalk" href="http://www.smsnshayari.com/big-google/gfan/googletalk/" rel="category tag">GoogleTalk</a><br />Listening online FM is easy. All you need is to use GTalk. Though you can use it via other messenger too but here we will talk about gTalk only.<br />Listen online FM free (FM on Computer) Hindi, english, punjabi and lots more fm channel / radio station<br />This is done using Gtalk2Voip, it is a free and publicly open voice gateway for major Instant Messenger clients.<br />Steps to listen to any channel listed below:<br />1. Sign in your Google Talk application.2. Add this ID in your Google Talk service@gtalk2voip.com, when you will first add then you will get following screen with some welcome messages.<a id="more-117"></a>3. Now add another ID with radio station ID 110@radio.gtalk2voip.com Here 110 is ID for hindi FM station Teen Taal.4. Now make call to 110@radio.gtalk2voip.com, once connected enjoy hindi songs are random. Once connected you will listen music in few seconds.<br />Similarly you can add other channels too, all you need is to add ChannelNumber@radio.gtalk2voip.com.<br />LIST OF AVAILABLE RADIO STATIONS / Channels:100 - 181.fm - Kickin’ Country (Todays Best Country!), http://scfire-chi0l-1.stream.aol.com:80/stream/1075101 - 1.FM - Country, http://64.62.194.11:8020/102 - Atlantic Sound Factory - ASF Radio, http://69.31.50.146:80/103 - 100.7 Jack FM, San Diego, http://38.116.132.31:9024/104 - 102.7 FM The Fringe, http://64.72.124.89:8134/105 - 181.fm - The Buzz (Your Alternative Station!), http://scfire-nyk0l-1.stream.aol.com:80/stream/1022106 - 181.fm - The Mix Channel (70s, 80s, 90s and Today’s Best Music) , http://208.53.158.167:8032/107 - 181.fm - The Eagle (Your Home For REAL Classic Rock!), http://208.53.158.126:8030/108 - .977 The 80s Channel, http://scfire-ntc0l-2.stream.aol.com:80/stream/1040109 - 1.FM - Channel X, http://209.51.161.54:8072/110- Teen Taal Radio (HINDI), http://213.251.129.40:8022/111 - Radio Helsinki - 92.6 MHz, http://88.198.49.11:8000/live56.ogg201 - KCRW World News, http://scfire-ntc0l-2.stream.aol.com:80/stream/1047202 - Sporting News Radio, http://scfire-chi0l-2.stream.aol.com:80/stream/1057203 - KPFK - Southern California’s 90.7 FM News, Talk & Music, http://64.27.31.66:80/204 - WBUR 90.9 FM, Boston’s NPR News Station, http://205.234.188.21:80<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-45462190162186262822007-07-25T10:01:00.000-07:002007-07-25T10:02:31.305-07:00stop spammingi thought people out there wud be a bit intelligent............a company such as google which gives unlimited storage in e-mail accounts and in orkut....s(ay 3 gb is almost unlimited and its extended once ur account is full) would suddenly run out of space with google earth and videos and picasa web....and blogs....and the world famous search engine...and a lots more......also if orkut had only 57 names left then it wud have got over within the time u forward a mail so next time u people forward a spam message think twice ...its all a waste of time...and u can always read the wats new tab in orkut rather then forwarding this spam and wasting time..........As you can see it looks incredibly obvious that it is a spam(Upper case, full of grammer mistakes and they have only 57 names left!). But what surprised me was that 5 of my friends forwarded it to me! Surely they don’t want their accounts to be deactivated!<br /><br />"""""""" ORKUT HAS BEEN CROWDED WITH MORE MEMBERS THIS HAS MADE ONLY 57 ENTRIESLEFT SO UR ACCOUNT MIGHT B DEACTIVATED. INORDER TO AVOID IT PLS SENDTHE MSG BELOW TO ALL UR FRENDS. THIS IS NO JOKE. IT HAS BEEN EVENFLASHEDINCNN-IBN (News Channel)HEY ITS DIANNA, FROM THE DIRECTOR OF ORKUT,EVERYBODY SORRY FOR THEINTERRUPTION BUT ORKUT IS CLOSING THE SYSTEM DOWN BECAUSE TOO MANYBOTTERS ARE TAKING UP ALL THE NAMES, WE ONLY HAVE 57 NAMES LEFT, IF YOUWOULD LIKE TO CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT, DONT SEND THIS MESSAGE, IF YOU WANTTOKEEP YOUR ACCOUNT ,SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST. THIS ISNOT A JOKE, YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DONT SEND IT. THANKS DIRECTOR OFORKUT, TIM BUISKI. WHOEVER DOESNT SEND THIS MESSAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILLBEDEACTIVATED AND IT WILL COST YOU $ 10.00 A MONTH TO USE IT.."""""""<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Dear friends,<br />I would just like to inform u people about some common misconceptions…<br />Misconception #1: ORKUT IS DELETING PROFILES<br />Orkut is NOT deleting profiles!<br />Orkut is run by google which is having a 300% growth in terms of revenue for this fiscal year!<br />They can handle any abysmal requirement of <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink0" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,0);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,0);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,0);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">processing power</a> or space!<br />They are NOT experiencing any information processing or storage problems as yet!<br />Misconception #2: YOU CAN GET PAID BY FORWARDING AN E-MAIL<br />Until Today, Sunday, 21st Sept 2006, there is no way to keep track of where a mail gets forwarded!<br /><a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink1" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,1);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,1);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,1);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">Microsoft</a> will not know if I send a mail from google server to my friend (EVEN IF IT IS A FORWARDED MAIL) unless you explicitly execute some code or click some link!<br />However may I wish, I have no means to know whether my friend is forwarding the mail I sent to him or not. Nor does Microsoft, Google or any other corp. or inc.<br />Misconception #3: WOMAN TAKING A ROHYPNOL PILL WILL NEVER CONCEIVE<br />Are all men and women undergoing a <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink2" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,2);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,2);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,2);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">surgery</a> for family planning DUMB?<br />Woman cannot be made incapable of conceiving by dropping a pill in her drink.<br />Rohypnol is used as a sedative and pre-anesthetic.<br />It is called “Rape <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink3" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,3);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,3);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,3);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">Date</a> Drug” because it is extremely potent, especially with alcohol.<br />It initially makes a person dizzy and disoriented and with time makes it difficult to speak or move before the person passes out.<br />Due to this effect, this drug is used by rapists to incapacitate their victims.<br />Such victims have no memories of what happened WHILE UNDER the drug’s influence. (They can perfectly remember what they were doing before getting sedated)<br />It is illegal (in the U.S but not in <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink4" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,4);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,4);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,4);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">Europe</a> and Canada)<br />No comments about emotional messages appealing a person to forward a mail because it will either…<br />suddenly make his love of life realize that she should call him/she should meet him/She should fall in love with him!<br />or increase life expectancy of himself or his father/mother/brother/sister/any other relatives!<br />or make something “GOOD”(?) happen in his life!<br />or earn him an unexpected fortune!<br />or because some poor/crippled/terminally infected/just infected/dying person will get money for every mail you forward!(I do not mean to disrespect the intentions but it is pointless as your forwards cannot be tracked)<br />or just because it is part of a world record attempt!<br />or because this <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink5" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,5);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,5);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,5);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">e-mail</a> is part of “chain” that many people have kept or going for no particular reason so you should also do the same!<br />AND THAT STUPID CRUSH THING DOES NOT <a class="kLink" oncontextmenu="return false;" id="KonaLink6" onmouseover="adlinkMouseOver(event,this,6);" style="POSITION: static; TEXT-DECORATION: underline! important" onclick="adlinkMouseClick(event,this,6);" onmouseout="adlinkMouseOut(event,this,6);" href="http://www.devilsworkshop.org/2006/09/23/orkut-some-misconception-some-facts/#" target="_top">POP UP</a> IF YOU FORWARD THAT LOONEY MAIL……..<br />the only way of knowing your crush is if both the people add each other to their own crush list.<br />there is NO WAY of knowing anyone else’s crush’s or your own, if none of the above happens. -- best regards,ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST BY :::MuDiT LaWaNiA<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3747236202420276915.post-88104928193355579582007-07-08T10:13:00.000-07:002007-07-08T10:15:06.998-07:00any kind of<br />-- computer problems<br />-- packaging discussions<br />-- printing problems<div class="blogger-post-footer">M.L</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02235619947231057507noreply@blogger.com2