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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

WORLD'S BeSt OnE LiNeR's




  • Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

  • Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not one to judge.

  • Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

  • Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you.

  • Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to...But be respected, that is essential. (Anna Gould)

  • Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for.

  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

  • Be careful of the words you say.And keep them soft and sweet.For you never know from day to day.Which ones you'll have to eat.

  • Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  • One good turn gets most of the blankets.

  • There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

  • Life is sexually transmitted.

  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  • If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who
    said "Quit while you're ahead"?

  • ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

  • Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was
    H20 Was H2SO4.

  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.

  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  • It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

  • Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better
    lawyer.

  • Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

  • Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

  • Extraordinary: it is the "extra" that make us more than ordinary.

  • Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. (Aldous Huxley)

  • Failure comes in two ways:Those who do it without giving a thought.Those who thought about it but do nothing.

  • Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities. (Napolean Hill)

  • Failure is no more fatal than success is permanent.

  • Failure is opportunity in disguise.

  • Failure is the only opportunity to begin more intelligently. (Henry Ford)


Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.



Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.



Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.



Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.



To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.



Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.



Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.



Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.



We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?



We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.



Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!



What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?



What's the speed of dark?



Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person - Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Nope.....u still ugly!

Text Message Jokes


Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support herHow to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!



I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!


Text Messaging Jokes
You are here: X

Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick" Boss asks: "How sick are u?"Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.



One Liners Jokes


Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.


Funny one liners


My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Mind intentionally left blank...

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river

____________________________________________________

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.



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I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.



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I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.



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Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.



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Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.



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Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.



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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.



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By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.



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Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.



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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



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Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.



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There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.



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An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.



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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.



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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.



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They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.



I have made my decision, m here to help people make theirs



when u are left withno option the best thing is to do nothing.



BEST ONE LINERS____AWARDED @ d hOSKAR"S



1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.



2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.



3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.



4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.



5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.



6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..



7. Born free, taxed to death.



8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.



9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.



10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.



11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.



12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.



13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.



14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.



15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.



16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.



17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?



18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?



19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!



20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.



21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.



22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!



23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Bur nt Fingers



24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.



25. Someday is not a day of the week



26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.



27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.



28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.



29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.



30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.



And all-time favorite ...



31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  • 43% of all statistics are worthless.
    Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
    A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book.Ah, Paradise!
    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    A bad plan is better than no plan.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
    A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
    A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
    Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
    Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
    After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
    All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
    All in favour of Viagra please rise!
    All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
    Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
    Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
    Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
    As I said before, I never repeat myself.
    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
    Be naughty - save Santa the trip.
    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
    Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
    Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
    Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular
    Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
    Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
    Don't believe everything you think
  • Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
    Earth first! (we'll strip-mine the other planets later).
    Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
    Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
    Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!
    Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
    Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.
    Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
    Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
    God is real, unless declared integer
    God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
    Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
    I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
    I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow is not looking good either.
    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
  • I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    I intend to live forever - so far so good.
    I like work. It fascinates me.I can sit and look at it for hours.
    I looked up my wife's family tree.Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.
    I love being married.It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    I love deadlines.I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
    I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
    I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
    I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
    If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
    If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
    If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
    If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
    If you are going through hell, keep going.
    If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    It's men like you that make women gay.
    Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
    Life exists for no known purpose.
    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
    LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge
    Lord, save me from your followers.
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
    My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
    He thought he was God and I didn't.
    My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
    Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
    If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
    Never try to teach a pig to sing.
    It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
    Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
    Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
    Politicians & diapers both need to be changed often,and for the same reason!
    Research causes cancer in rats.
    Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
    Strangers have the best candy!
    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
    Schizophrenia beats being alone.
    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
    They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
    Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
    The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
    The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.
    The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
    Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
    The gene pool could use a little chlorine
    The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
    There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
    Wasting time is an important part of living.
    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
    You're the reason God created the middle finger
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
    You are so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!
    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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