UBER - FREE Rs. 250 Coupon code, First Time user - Taxi in India, Car on demand - FREE RIDE

Finally after getting over MERU and Easy cabs, and the likes. who charge 25INR/km, Made up my mind to use UBER, Since i use a BB10 Passport, had to port the app.
The payment gateway could not be added as it kept asking for Credit Card information which did not work(may be because it was ported)
Finally i added payment method of Paytm and Airtel money( which also took a while) < You need to have minimum of 200INR to add them. 
Uber is great, after installing, add the below promo code to get 250INR free ride, which is deducted automatically after the first ride payment.
You loose the rest of the money if your first ride is less the 250INR.

PROMO CODE : 

UBERMADDYL

Uber is evolving the way the world moves. By seamlessly connecting riders to drivers through our apps, we make cities more accessible, opening up more possibilities for riders and more business for drivers. From our founding in 2009 to our launches in hundreds of cities today, Uber's rapidly expanding global presence continues to bring people and their cities closer.

Ab ki baar Modi Sarkaar- 3 year old

Barney Stinson’s Legendary Guide to being Awesome

You can learn a lot from television. Things like how to create the perfect crime scene (watch out for those loose hairs. They’ll get you every damn time.) or how to successfully make a souffle. The most important thing I’ve learned is how to be awesome. It’s fairly simple: 1. Get rid of the goatee. It doesn’t go with your suit. 2. Get a suit. 3. Don’t even think about getting married until you’re 30. 4. Don’t wait for the signal. Just kiss her or him. 5. Grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it. 6. If you get caught accidentally grinding with your cousin at a very loud club, italics: that night did not happen. 8. Every Halloween, bring a spare costume in case you strike out with the hottest girl or guy at the party. That way, you have a second chance to make a first impression. 9. If a first date goes badly, it’s okay to use the lemon law. (It’s gonna be a thing.) 10. Remember that helping people less fortunate than you is the greatest pleasure in the world. That, and getting your toes sucked. 11. If your brain screws you up, power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation-style. Five shots should do the trick. 12. Always have a back-up Get Psyched Mix in case Not!Moby steals the original. 13. To avoid embarrassing moments with your stand-in bro, remember that Battelship is not an internationally recognized term for sex. 14. Focus on the positive: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat’s poopy diaper but instead I’m out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! 15. When crashing a high school prom, Go Ho or Go Home. 16. Your job is an important part of your image. Example: chicks think that architects are hot because architects create something out of nothing. They’re like God. There is no one hotter than God. 17. The four most important words at a wedding: It’s for the bride. 18. Create a list of attainable goals and cross off your accomplishments. Example: “Of my list all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which/on which it is possible to have sex, I have had sex in/on 31 out of 33.” 19. Learn how to seduce properly: First, buy her or him a drink. Then pretend to be interested in whatever (s)he cares about. Be all sympathetic and before you know it, (s)he’s naked in your apartment shouting (your name here). 20. Allow people to slap your face, but do not allow them to slap your mind. 21. Invest at the gym. You’ll see aggressive growth in your future 22. Don’t poop where you eat. 23. It’s okay to be the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women he’s slept with but it’s not okay to sleep with a woman and not even remember her. 24. Comfort your friends in their hour of need. If that involves really hot kissing, so be it. 25. And finally, when you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead. 1) “Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians“ 2) Barney: “Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.” Ted: “I'm not wearing a suit.” Barney: “Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.” 3) “Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.” 4) Barney: “Solid plan, my little friend.” Ted: “We're the same height” 5) “Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?” 6) “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She'll never find her way back.” 7) “Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool.” 8) “Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno” 9) “We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up” 10) “Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.” 11) “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants” 12) “No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing” 13) “What? Journalist? You're the little fluff-pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper” 14) “You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!” 15) “The question is: Do these strategies ever NOT work for me? Either way the answer is about half the time” 16) “One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my blog?” 17) “You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married or, God forbid, fat” 18) “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.” (check out Barney Stinson’s Halloween Customs!) 19) “Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!” 20) “Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.” [Ted dressed as a hanging chad] 21) “Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.” 22) “A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...” [Barney talking Halloween Costumes] 23) “Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"” 24) “Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again” [about a match making service] 25) “Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.” 26) “You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet” 27) “You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"” 28) “I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"” 29) “On the question why Barney is sleeping in a tub: "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."” 30) “Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"” 31) “Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style” 32) “People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?” 33) “I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years” 34) “Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you” 35) “Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.” 36) “This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat” [on the phone] 37) “You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an international recognized term for sex?” 38) “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old” 39) “Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Rereturn. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!” 40) “My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy” 41) “Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life” 42) “Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much” 43) “Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” 44) “You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier” 45) “I know what you want: Magic!” 46) “Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.” 47) “Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?” 48) “Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow” 49) “That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!” 50) “You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!” 51) “For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York!” 52) “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.” 53) “You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.” 54) “We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.” 55) “Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.” 56) “Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade-- provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.” 57) “The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.” 58) “Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!” 59) “See that wall? *Turns on TV* 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!” 60) “Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.” 61) “I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out” 62) “Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-theappartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the Taliban.” 63) “Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ... You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story” 64) “This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.” 65) “Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year” 66) “Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.” 67) “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story” 68) [Seeing his nude painting]: “You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme” 69) “Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.” 70) “Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies” 71) “How to Run a Marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two” 72) “How Barney would call his truck: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."” 73) “Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened.” 74) “The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, and she'd like... let’s say, you in the inappropriately short dress to rub them” 75) “Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...” 76) “Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?” 77) “That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate” 78) “We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up?” 79) “You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting New Yorker” 80) “We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers” 81) “Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!” 82) “Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!” 83) “Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.” 84) “She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants” 85) “Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.” 86) “I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about?” 87) “Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am, I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness” 88) “Barney about investing in women: That's going to reward shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What up!” 89) “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome” 90) “But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking!” 91) “Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties" incorporated.” 92) “Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.” 93) “Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize” 94) “You know, if you re-edit there's a tampon commercial in here somewhere” 95) “Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?” 96) “No offense, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is Vice President of Awesome. And you're like Assistant Undersecretary of Only OK.” 97) “Abby and I are in love. Not hot, passionate love. Couple love! You know, movie night with my girlfriend then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold blue light of my computer monitor” 98) “That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!” 99) “Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos” 100) “It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything” 101) “I love this burger so much I want to sew my ass shut” 102) “Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race” 103) “Marriage is stupid! Every year there are a million new, hot, 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass-halffull," but I think they're getting dumber” 104) “Berry Blaster Brain revitalizer—My God, some of these drinks can actually make a girl smarter. What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?” 105) “Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps' got loose, he's goin' for the gold!” 106) “Yes, because on Not a Father’s Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear! Wordplay five!” 107) “God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome” 108) “I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.” 109) “All these years I've been suiting-up when I should've been suiting-down (talking about the Naked Man)” 110) “We should totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome. And dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar... Puzzles. People will be, like, "Why is it called Puzzles?". That's the puzzle” 111) “All my life I have dared to go past what is possible. [Ted: To the impossible?] Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.” 112) “Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision— Visitivity” 113) “That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything” 114) “a hug is just like a public dry hump” 115) “If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues” 116) “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest” 117) “The things I know about this company, I'll never be fired. There's a chance I'll wash up on shore with no identifiable finger prints or teeth” 118) “Marshall, you're no Lily. Lily is a diabolical puppetmaster, surreptitiously manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants. She is pure evil, Marshall. You've got a good one; hang onto her” 119) “Nice! Girls whose names end in LY are always dirty: Holly, Kelly, Karly... Lily.” 120) “Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story” 121) “Oh right, because there can be too many of something wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fellah, let's not hit too many homers. Hey Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America's laughed enough.” 122) “When will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my life has better lighting?” 123) “You, sir, got Stella thinking: "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front, oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?" quake” 124) “I can only assume you need a license to have a face that beautiful. And that body? I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities” 125) “That, my friends, is the dominator 5000, the best bull whip on the market according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.” 126) “How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever” 127) “No Ted, brunch is not cool” 128) “Can we have class outside?” 129) “Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.” 130) “I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby, that's like taking fashion advice from well... Ted Mosby” 131) “Aw tweed, the official fabric of the eunuch” 132) “Ted, you mentioned that you lived upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging” 133) [About knowing Canada's citizenship questionairre] “Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?” 134) “to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...” 135) “Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day” 136) “There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?” 137) “Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.” 138) “Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it” 139) “It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.” 140) “Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's. An actress? Of course, that explains her impeccable diction and her slutiness” 141) “Lily, since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black. This my friends is... The Playbook.” 142) “Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick! *pauses* Well, except for the Cheap Trick.” 143) “The Lorenzo van Matterhorn will be my triumphant return to the stage! Or, you know, the bed. Actually, my bed is kind of a stage. I could put a platform underneath, make it a real production” 144) “Only if you rub it hard enough.” 145) “See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget acquizzired!” 146) “No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.” 147) “I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.” 148) “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.” 149) “Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.” 150) “I'm going to be like, "drop the act baby doll daddy needs another gin and tonic".” 151) “Suits and insecure woman. I hate them I really just hate them.” 152) “No! My suit gave its life for this cause and I will not rest till she is mine.” 153) “That woman nursing a Black Russian is about to chase it with a White American!” 154) “Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now - I am going home with her tonight.” 155) “Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.” 156) “Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.” 157) “I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway because, you know - germs.” 158) “Magic phone guys - magic phone” 159) “Yes you can borrow my tea cup pig” 160) “So now, pharma girls are the hottest profession. At least when I run out on a girl, I have the decency to sleep with her first. It's called manners.” 161) “I've always looked drop dead stone cold amazing - unlike Marshall who always looked dead, stoned, and cold.” 162) “It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture - I don't know why, just ask God.” 163) “The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.” 164) “People want the lie. They need the lie!” 165) “People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.” 166) “We knocked space boots. Houston, we have a moaner! Other space-related double entendres!” 167) “Hawaii's nice. A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. But the best place I have to say, the moon. Hi, Neil Armstrong.” 168) “Ted, your mom and I got to second base.” 169) “So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist, right, and she's so flexible that at one point she was both on top of me AND underneath me. Up top AND down low! Who needs drinks?” 170) “Marisa Heller ... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.” 171) “Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs” 172) “You leave me no choice. If you have a daughter, the MINUTE she turns 18 ... GONNNNNNNNNG!” 173) “One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!” 174) “The best baggage is "hates her dad, thinks she's fat when she isn't." Angry sexy on the first date, and by the time you mention breakfast, she's gone! Why do you guys even hang out with me?” 175) “So my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks. 176) Kids!? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better.” 177) “Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.” 178) “So this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo, the bonobo chimps are giving us a standing O and just when I'm about to give her the same thing - what up?” 179) “Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your hum drum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.” 180) “You guys are adorable. You honestly believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.” 181) “Barney Stinson allllllllllllllways gets the yes.” 182) “Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't.” 183) “Call me old fashioned but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.” 184) “Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay ... Bro-workers?” 185) “Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been coopted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!” 186) “Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?” 187) “The bus? Every time I take the bus there is always that one crazy person that no one wants to sit near and that is why I have never taken the bus.” 188) “Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!” 189) “Ted that is so romantic, I want to fill a pillow case with dead batteries and beat you with it.” 190) “Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.” 191) “I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.” 192) “SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals...Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.” 193) “He has got to go, you need to be like you are the weakest link goodbye! Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art, didn't work for me. You're times up. I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped! You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your desert just didn't measure up. Sashay away! Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen! You did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.” 194) “Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?” 195) “I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.” 196) “Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!” 197) “I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.” 198) “I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!” 199) “February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.” 200) “And I thought Pompeii was smoking.” 201) “She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.” 202) “She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.” 203) “You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.” 204) “With great penis comes great responsibility.” 205) “Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.” 206) “Ted this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here...don't ask you're not ready.” 207) “Tonight's gonna be Leden-Jerry!” 208) “I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry not Stay at Home Jerome.” 209) “Feelin' fine and gettin' some 'Gine” 210) “New is always better.” 211) “Challenge accepted.” 212) “If I were only casting the White Swan, the role would be yours.” 213) “I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my...” 214) “Hashtag burn, hashtag your tie is still dumb, hash tag refill!”

BACK AGAIN with THE BEST ONE LINERS - The biggest DATABASE of ONE LINERS

43% of all statistics are worthless.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
A bad plan is better than no plan.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. — Woodrow Wilson
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. — Ayn Rand
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — Jim Morrison
A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. — Bruce Lee
A good pun is its own reword.
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. — Lao Tzu
A harmful truth is better than a useful lie. — Thomas Mann
A jug fills drop by drop. — Buddha
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
A lie told often enough becomes the truth. — Vladimir Lenin
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. — George Bernhard Shaw
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. — Albert Einstein
A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies. — Friedrich Nietzsche
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. — Oscar Wilde
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. — Bruce Lee
A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby
A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. — Orson Welles
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. — Mary Pickford
Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advertising is legalized lying. — H.G. Wells
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All warfare is based on deception. — Sun Tzu
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. — Albert Einstein
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. — Mohandas Gandhi
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein
Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. — Cicero
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. — Mae West
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As our case is new, we must think anew. — Abraham Lincoln
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. — Goethe
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
Batteries not included.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. — Plato
Be naughty – save santa the trip.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. — Benjamin Franklin
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus. — Ozzy Osbourne
Best viewed on my computer.
Better late than really late.
Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. — Buddha
Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West
Biology grows on you.
Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
Boards don’t hit back. — Bruce Lee
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard
Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. — Vladimir Lenin
Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life. — Confucius
Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. — Henry Ford
Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. — Robin Williams
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
Come to the dark side – we have cookies.
Common sense is not so common. — Voltaire
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso
Could be worse… I could be Sting. — Ozzy Osbourne
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain
Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight. — Yogi Berra
Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind. — Bruce Lee
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. — Jim Rohn
Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius
Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile. — Mae West
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. — Mae West
Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. — John Wooden
Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Don’t mistake activity for achievement. — John Wooden
Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. — Brandt Paul
Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
Drive defensively – buy a tank.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. — Benjamin Franklin
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Either you run the day or the day runs you. — Jim Rohn
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. — Goethe
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. — Voltaire
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. — Stanislaw J. Lec
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. — Will Rogers
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy
Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright
Examine what is said, not who speaks.
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde
F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford
Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved. — Lao Tzu
Failure teaches success.
Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.
Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. — Dale Carnegie
Fear is the foundation of most governments. — John Adams
Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain
First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. — Cathy Guisewite
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken
For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. — Bob Marley
Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
Friendly fire – isn’t.
Friends are nothing but a known enemy. — Kurt Cobain
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
Frog blast the vent core!
Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. — Mark Twain
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Mark Twain
Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire
God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
Half the people you know are below average.
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. — Dalai Lama
Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.
Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen
Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. — Salvador Dali
He that can have patience can have what he will. — Benjamin Franklin
He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. — Lao Tzu
He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. — Friedrich Nietzsche
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius
Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something. — Thomas Alva Edison
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
History has shown there are no invincible armies. — Joseph Stalin
History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. — Fred Brooks
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W. C. Fields
I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. — Socrates
I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
I am the captain of my soul. — Nelson Mandela
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. — Stephen King
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. — Warren Buffett
I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde
I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. — Benjamin Franklin
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. — Voltaire
I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks
I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde
I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. — Mae West
I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien
I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. — Thomas Alva Edison
I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it. — Groucho Marx
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter
I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright
I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy
I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein
I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams
I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. — Thomas Alva Edison
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. — W. C. Fields
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx
I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I quote people to better express myself.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. — Pablo Picasso
I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. — Kurt Cobain
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. — Mae West
I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you — Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
I’ve been called worse things by better people. — Pierre Trudeau
I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe
If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. — Mae West
If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself. — Kris Kristofferson
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
If it can go wrong it probably already has.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. — Laurence J. Peter
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If we don’t end war, war will end us. — H.G. Wells
If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
If you are going through hell, keep going. — Winston Churchill
If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. — Jim Rohn
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one. — Mother Teresa
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good. — Bill Gates
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today. — Bruce Lee
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. — Mark Twain
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
If you want to make enemies, try to change something. — Woodrow Wilson
If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.
If you’re happy, you’re successful.
If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. — Stan Levenson
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dalai Lama
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin
Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. — Steve Jobs
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. — Albert Einstein
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. — W. C. Fields
It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. — Charles Darwin
It is better to be alone than in bad company. — George Washington
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. — Oscar Wilde
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. — Eleanor Roosevelt
It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. — Niccolo Machiavelli
It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. — Plato
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
It’s like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill
It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. — Lou Holtz
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. — Benjamin Franklin
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. — Theodore Roosevelt
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. — Jimi Hendrix
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leisure is being allowed to do nothing. — G.K. Chesterton
Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. — John Wayne
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov
Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw
Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Listen if you want to be heard. — John Wooden
Live simply so other may simply live. — Mother Teresa
Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns
Love is a serious mental disease. — Plato
Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love the life you live. Live the life you love. — Bob Marley
Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. — Groucho Marx
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Monday is the root of all evil.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughan
Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible. — Dale Carnegie
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. — Robert Anthony
Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernhard Shaw
Name of the greatest inventor. Accident. — Mark Twain
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov
Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never was anything great achieved without danger. — Niccolo Machiavelli
Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. — Eleanor Roosevelt
No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to. — Lynn Johnston
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt
No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
No-one suspects the butterfly!
Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. — Ozzy Osbourne
Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. — Chet Atkins
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. — Bob Marley
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. — Pablo Picasso
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Only users lose drugs.
Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. — Dalai Lama
Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized. — Sun Tzu
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. — Laurence J. Peter
Our true nationality is mankind. — H.G. Wells
Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson
Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. — Albert Einstein
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernhard Shaw
People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman
Politics have no relation to morals. — Niccolo Machiavelli
Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. — Warren Buffett
Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh
Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
Quitting is leading, too. — Nelson Mandela
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. — Joseph Addison
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan
Rehab is for quitters.
Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
Religion is the Opium for the masses. — Karl Marx
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon
Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. — Oscar Levant
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
Send lawyers, guns and money!
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel
So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. — Dalai Lama
Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet. — Bob Marley
Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in. — Leonardo da Vinci
Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein
Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. — Orson Welles
Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. — Bill Gates
Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Abraham Lincoln
Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. — Cousin Woodman
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. — Sandy Cooley
The best things in life aren’t things.
The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. — Napoleon Bonaparte
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates
The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. — Maya Angelou
The future will be better tomorrow.
The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. — Bruce Lee
The Killer Ducks are coming!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. — Friedrich Nietzsche
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. — Robert Bloch
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The mind is everything. What you think you become. — Buddha
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov
The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. — Ann Landers
The only certain thing in life is death.
The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. — Henry Ford
The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell
The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. — Mary Pickford
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde
The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. — Pablo Picasso
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. — Theodore Roosevelt
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. — Cicero
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
The time is always right to do the right thing. — Martin Luther King
The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. — Buddha
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. — John Wooden
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts. — Charles Dickens
There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. — Friedrich Nietzsche
There are no facts, only interpretations. — Friedrich Nietzsche
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. — Zig Ziglar
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson
There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. — Buddha
There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. — Charles Dickens
There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart. — Charles Dickens
There was never a bad peace or a good war. — Benjamin Franklin
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. — Kevin James
There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. — Mark Rasch
There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. — R. Buckminster Fuller
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
Think things through before you’re through thinking.
This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. — George Bernhard Shaw
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin
Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. — Aristotle
Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. — Joseph Stalin
Thought is free. — William Shakespeare
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin
Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. — John Lennon
To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. — Pablo Picasso
To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. — Friedrich Nietzsche
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
To err is hunam.
To generalize is to be an idiot.
To lead the people, walk behind them. — Lao Tzu
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West
Too much of everything is just enough.
Tracers work both ways.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away. — Elvis Presley
Trying is failing with honors.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.
Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. — C. S. Lewis
Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
Vision without execution is just hallucination. — Henry Ford
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. — Kurt Cobain
War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. — Anais Nin
We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. — Martin Luther King
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
Welcome what you can’t avoid.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What one has to do usually can be done. — Eleanor Roosevelt
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
Whatever happens, ignore it all.
When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. — Friedrich Nietzsche
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. — Jack Handey
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner
When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
When in doubt, mumble.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. — Sigmund Freud
When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates
When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. — Theodore Roosevelt
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right. — Henry Ford
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Whoever controls the media controls the mind. — Jim Morrison
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin
Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think. — Lou Holtz
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present. — Eleanor Roosevelt
You always admire what you really don’t understand. — Eleanor Roosevelt
You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. — Napoleon Bonaparte
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You don’t have to explain something you never said.
You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill
You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same. — Jonathan Davis
You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. — Margaret Thatcher
You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. — Dale Carnegie
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. — Bill Gates
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.